-“ What’s the difference between a friend and a lover? I mean other than the physical stuff.” I asked Bessie who was busy putting her make up.

-“ Let me think but don’t look at me.” She demanded.

-“ Why the hell not!” I knew the answer but I loved the way she answered it.

-“ Because I don’t want people to see how I transform from ugly me to the charming enchanting beauty.” She answered sarcastically. Bessie has the obsession of seeing her self as ugly. True, she had small scar under her chin and a slightly big nose but try as I may, I couldn’t see her as ugly. She was… Bessie.

-“ I’ve seen all your faces; this one wont scare me.” I joked and she pinched my forearm.“ Hey! Careful! I’m tender! Unlike SOME people, I do have something between my skin and bones.”

-“ Serves you right to bother me when I’m putting my lipstick.” She pressed her lips and checked the result in her mirror. “Why don’t you try it Suzie? It’ll look great on you. Your light complexion suits most colors. Lucky you.” This was her subtle way of telling me that I was pale and needed make up but I had other ideas.

-“ I don’t want to. It feels like a mask and makes me nervous.” She shrugged at my usual answer and completed her work while I kept ignoring her demand of not looking at her.

Bessie was from conservative Chinese family. She is one of many children and her nephews and nieces are as old as she. As most people in her situation she suffers of middle-child syndrome. She was neither a child nor a grown up in her parents eyes, she is left on her own to do things, depended on a lot but never recognize her efforts and craved acknowledgement.

I never seized to be amazed at how my correcting her –a thing I do on regular bases for no reason but that I myself need acknowledgment- upset her. Usually, people would pass my correcting as snobbery but for Bessie it was perfection and she wanted so much to beat this annoying perfection, which she is already on the right way. I assume that in few years she would be the one correcting me. All this was done in a friendly spirit. I needed Bessie to push me to do my best.

-“ Why do you ask? Are you in lo-o-o-o-o-ove?” she asked.

-“ Hardly. Unless you think cats are suitable lovers.” I joked my way out of her question.

-“ So why are you asking?” Maria chimed in.

-“ It’s a story… or more exactly an idea of a story.” Thank god for  talents!

-“ What’s it about!” Rebecca joined us. This is definitely NOT what I planned! Why can’t I do anything right!

-“ Uh it’s…” I was glad that Bessie cut me off.

-“ It’s about friends that fell in love with each other, right Suzie?” she smiled proudly.

-“ Yes.” I smiled. But they were all looking at me.

-“What?” I finally asked.

-“ More details, honey.” Becky replied.

-“ I can’t… it will spoil the story.” I’m sinking in my lie with every minute.

-“ Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!” Bessie begged.

-“ Yeah, come on Suzie. Not the whole story, just the general plot or theme.” Maria added using more professional words than necessary while Becky kept silent understanding my statement. Oh, well. Here goes nothing. At least I will get their opinions.

-“ It’s about this girl who has zero self confidence…”

-“ Like you?” Bessie teased.

­-“ Ha ha very funny!” I said nervously. “ Are you forgetting that you’re addressing Suze El Macho?”

-“ Guys! This is not a time for your recreational fights! I want to hear the story!” Maria interrupted. Ok. Lesson number one: don’t give many details about the story or you’ll blow your cover.

-“ Ok. Ok. Well she is a best friend with the boy next door… then suddenly the boy confesses his love for her. Notice that the girl doesn’t love him. She just likes him. What will the girl do?”

-“ What has having zero self confidence anything to do with the story?” Bessie again almost caught me.

-“ Err… she has no confidence and therefore…she doesn’t …believe… that… he really loves her.” I managed again to escape.

-“ Well she should be honest and tell him the truth.” Becky answered.

-“ Yeah, no use of her accepting him if she doesn’t love him.” Maria agreed.

-“ Are you guys nuts?” Bessie asked. “ It’s not important whether she loves him or not! The guy loves her. He will do anything for her, right! That how boyfriends must be! But she has the advantage of not worrying or getting jealous at every moment.”

-“ You mean she should lie to him?” I questioned unsure of which opinion to take yet.

-“ Not exactly lie,” Bessie answered. “It’s more like an exaggeration.”

-“ Which brings us to my original question, what’s the difference between a friend and a lover?” I concluded.

-“ Why do you ask?” Nancy approached us. “Are you in love?”

I sat gazing blankly at the TV screen. There was nothing much aired at this time that interested me or anything else I could do. This was my usual time to meet up with Justin. I needed to talk to him but I was also afraid. I should do the right thing and tell him how I feel but I so wanted to experience what it feels to be loved. He will eventually realize that he loved a mirage for I can’t find anything that might interest him in me. Then, when we break up everything will go smoothly. No pain. No tears.

-“ Why are you sad? Is it a tragic movie?” my mom asked me as she came in from the kitchen.

-“ I’m not sad, mom.” I replied. “There isn’t anything funny to laugh about.”

-“ Are you feeling well? You’re not talking normally.” She sat down opposite to me.

-“ You are always telling me to stop smiling and laughing.” I answered. She raised her eyebrows not totally convinced but she let the subject drop.

-“ Aren’t your friends meeting up today? You never stay home at this time.” She started reading the newspapers, which meant she was just making conversation and not intriguing me.

-“ I don’t feel like going out.” I acted interested in a soap opera. But she snapped her eyes back at me alarmed.

-“ It’s not healthy to stay alone all the time.” She used her lecturing tone making me puzzled. I looked skeptically at her. Then I finally understood. What I was doing is exactly what I did during high school. I did my homework and watched TV then I went to bed. I had no social life. So, she must be thinking that I’m relapsing to my previous state.

-“ I’m not alone all the time, mom. You said it your self, I usually go out. I’m just tired and need rest.” I assured her but she kept her doubtful face on as she moved on to another topic, which I heard nothing of but acted interested in it.

I sprawled on my bed, mentally exhausted. It had been two days and I’m sick of thinking things over and over again. I’m going to tell him tonight. He must be feeling worse than I do.

I have peeked at his house from our windows and never saw him once. Hopefully, I will find him when it’s time. Only one thing left unsettled. I did not decide yet on what I would tell him.

My friends didn’t help much since Nancy and Bessie voted for it while Maria and Becky were against. I can do the right thing or I can do what makes every one happy. Ironic how life is sometimes, I always thought the right thing made every one happy; in other words, people do the right things because it makes them happy.

I sat down for dinner –a thing I do only to avoid an unnecessary discussion with my father- and played with the food on my plate. I always hate to put anything in my plate that I don’t plan to eat and that attracted my father’s attention.

-“ Why aren’t you eating, Suzie?” he asked quietly.

-“ Dad… why do you work?” I replied his question with a question.

-“ Every one needs to work!” was my father’s surprised answer.

-“ But why?” I insisted.

-“ I have to put food on your table!” he was irritated.

-“ What if you don’t have to work to get money… will you keep working?” working is the right thing; it makes people happy to have money, right?

-“ Well, I guess I will keep working but not because I need to but because I WANT to.” He concluded. My father loved his work and was the perfect example for the word, workaholic.

-“ If I had money, I’ll never work.” Sid interrupted.

-“ On my side, I’d do the same as Sid but I will have to keep an eye on my money.” My mom added.

-“ I’ll hire people to do that.” Sabrina chimed in. according to dad, I should tell the truth because I WANT to. Sid and Sabrina would just continue the lie. Mom… mom would lie but will keep checking on the damage the lie caused. Guilt? Maybe. The vote is three to one. Wow! I can’t believe I’ve finally made up my mind. and that Sid actually helped!

I tried to calm down myself but alas too tense! I looked at my reflection in the hand mirror and wondered again if this is all just some sick twisted joke. Relax, girl! It’s not like you’re marrying him or anything. That was what I told my self but still my hands trembled.

-“ Are you waiting for someone?” a voice came from behind me.

-“ Yes, kinda.” I smiled at my addresser; HE was short, thin, light brown complexion, ebony eyes, black hair and generally good looking.

-“ Have you been waiting long? Did you see a guy getting out of that house?” he asked sociably.

-“ Justin?” the word slipped out of my mouth.

-“Oh you know him? Don’t tell me I missed him.” He continued casually in a friendly manner.

-“ Err… I don’t know… I haven’t been here for long.” If he only knew that I was waiting for the same person. Talk about bad timing!

-“ Darn… I’ll have to go ask about him. See ya!” he turned and walked away. This is not what I planned! I was turning back to my house when I heard a cat screech followed by a child voice.

-“ Snowball!” that was Pedro. “Get beck!” poor cat!

I followed the voice and ended up at their yard where Pedro was pulling the cat’s tail, which was the only part visible from under the bushes.

-“ Pedro! Leave it alone!” I fired at him. “This is not a way to treat her!”

-“ Snowball is boy!” Pedro replied.

-“ Whatever! Why are you hurting him?” I used the equivalent pronoun.

-“ I want to play!” he mumbled.

-“ Is this a way to play?” I realized then that I had a very loud pitch. “Snowball is afraid of you.” I added in a softer tone.

-“ Snowball doesn’t like me.” He sulked. I suppressed a laugh.

-“ Why should he like you?” I tried my best to put a straight face for I was no good at serious stuff – a thing I regret today.

-“ What do you mean? He is mine!” he stammered.

-“ You beat him, pull his tail and do you feed him?” I concluded.

-“ But I do that ‘cause he doesn’t sit on my lap!” his tone showed his guilt though he had quite a bravado.

-“ Does he like milk?” I inquired.

-“ Yes,” was his answer.

-“ Bring some,” I ordered then added “please.”

-“ Ok.” after that he went muttering things in Spanish.

I smiled and got on my knees to try to get Snowball to like me. After many attempts, I failed. I sat back on the ground and looked at it. He looked terrified with his fluffy fur and sparkling eyes.

-“ Here’s the milk but he wont like me.” Pedro whispered gloomily.

-“ Oh he will.” I put more confidence in my statement that what I believed, for his sake. “Here, kitty, kitty… here Snow ball… come and drink.” I persuaded the feline knowing that it doesn’t understand a word I said but the every animal responded to friendly tones.

-“ Here move back Pedro. Let’s leave him to drink.” Pedro, ready to do anything, and myself moved back.

The creature, at first, drank with one eye at us ready to bounce back to where he was at the slightest movement. A few minutes later he stopped his suspicious manners and began to purr. Pedro moved to touch him.

-“ No stop!” I hissed. “Wait till he finishes! Do you like it when your dad tells you to leave your food when you’re hungry and makes you do your homework first?”

Pedro sat back to where he was, exerting more patience than I expected. I patted him on the shoulder and looked back at the content kitten.

Surprisingly the milk pot was drained to the last drop. And our friend started licking its fur to clean it. Pedro gave me a look that asked if it was time. I shook my head and signed him to wait a little more. After finishing grooming himself, Snowball reclined beside the milk pot purring happily.

-“ Now.” I gave my permission. And Pedro moved stealthy to the cat’s side. For a moment, Snowball was alarmed but after enjoying the boy’s soft caresses he began purring again.

-“ Rub under his muzzle and between his ears. I…” footsteps behind me took my attention from what I was saying.

-“So, you ARE a friend of the family! Only not the guy I expected.” A humorous voice mused. He was the guy I met earlier. “ I should introduce myself properly: I’m Alfred Owen but my friends call me Al.” he offered me his hand to shake which I did nervously.

-“ Hi… I’m Susan Michels … pleased to meet you Al Owen… please call me Suzie.” I smiled not knowing what to say to him. Justin talked of Al a lot but If Justin didn’t tell him about me, then who was I to tell him.

-“ Al! Look! Suzie made Snowball loves me!” Pedro shrieked joyfully.

-“ A Cupid in human disguise! Very clever.” Al’s eyes twinkled.

-“Yeah, since you discovered my secret identity I will grant you a try with any girl you want.” I joked.

-“ No, no! I have one and she’s a handful!” he backed away dramatically with a smile.

-“ That’s nice. I’ve done you a favor before I knew you.” I kidded.

-“ Yeah,” he agreed. “But since you’re THE CUPID in this neighborhood, do you by any chance know the girl Justin is dating? Have you seen her around?” he turned seriously. “For the last month he has been acting very strangely. I think that she … oh look at me I’m blabbering about someone you probably don’t know.” He smiled sheepishly.

-“ Suzie is Justin’s friend!” the boy interrupted and Al’s eyes widened and I paled.

-“ Why didn’t you say that before! That’s great! Since you’re his neighbor did you see her around! Did he talk to you about her?” he fired his long pent-up questions.

-“ I… I mean… we never discussed his love life.” Yet. “ Have you asked his family? They might know.” I changed the direction of his questions.

-“ I asked Lizzie but she…” I cut him off.

-“ Did you ask Abby? I think she might have an idea…” I trailed off… not knowing how to fix the situation I’m sinking in with every word I utter. “But I don’t think he has a girlfriend… I never saw here around and he never said he had one.” Having offered me the position doesn’t mean that I’m really his girlfriend. Especially since I didn’t accept… yet.

-“ Never trust what you see kid.” Somehow, everyone thinks that I’m a kid. “That Justin keeps his love life out of sight but he always has someone…” he assured and I was surprised.

-“ But he is so shy!” I blurted remembering how many times I’ve seen him blush and how he was always careful not to bring up any topic that wasn’t decent.

-“ Justin? Shy? Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?” he questioned sarcastically.

-“ Well I guess he is with girls.” I retorted. He raised one eyebrow.

-“ By (girls) you mean yourself?” he mused.

-“ I … that is… I mean… I never saw him with other girls but I assume he treats everyone as he does with me.” I stumbled at every word in my so-called sentence. Sheesh! Is this a friend or an investigator? He eyed me skeptically then he shook his head as if deny an idea that occurred to him… an idea that I have been familiar with all my life… I was not what guys might consider to have for a girlfriend. That general impression gave me an escape from a very nosy friend… well a friend of Justin is my friend, too.

-“ Well for your information, he is not what you think! The guy is dating woman twice his age!” he concluded. (Is) dating? Not (had) dated? Was my fear true? Is he only playing with me?

-“ I never saw that woman.” I gave him a yellow smile trying to end this shattering conversation.

-“ Oh he isn’t with her now, so he says.” Al joked. “Well, I’d better get going… My girlfriend will kill me if she heard that I talked to another girl. Bye, nice to meet you.” He turned and went to his car while I gazed at him unconsciously. This is getting complicated by the minute…

I walked away… away from everything… my house… him… his house… even his little brother who was calling for me but I had no spare energy to answer… I need air.

Who is Justin really? Is he really shy like I see him? Or is he what Al thinks? A lady’s man? If he is then why did he tell me that he loves me? He is my friend why would he lie to me? But you were going to lie, too. I reminded myself… but I was going to lie to make everyone happy! I retorted. Maybe that was his reason too! But… I don’t need anyone’s pity!

I started jogging in frustration… how dare he pity me! I wont have it! The nerve of that guy! What? Did he expect me to fall at his feet and thank him? For his information I can… you can what, Suzie? You can get a better man? Can you get ANY man?

I reached the park out of breath from jogging. I looked around… how different the place felt from the last time I was here… though the kids still played, people still laughed, lovers still held hands but the view inspired no happy feeling as it used to.

Life is more complex than when it was before I met him. That goes to show you how bad a judge of character I am. Not that I’m heart broken, but worse, my pride is deeply wounded. I can understand that people wont love me yet I can’t get that they take me for a fool. To lie about a thing so serious is a crime!

Then you are a criminal, too. You were going to fool him as well.  But I wasn’t going to do it to make a fool out of him… I wanted him to be happy and hell yes I wanted to be happy too! But he started it!

I sat at my spot and continued to mull over the latest development in my life that were earth-shattering. I don’t know how much time passed when I heard the old familiar voice of non other than guy who literarily rocked my world.

-“ Suzie! I looked all over for you! Pedro said that Al talked to you and then you were angry.” He sounded worried but I refused to acknowledge his existence because I have not decided what to answer him. “Suzie? What is it? Answer me!” he put a hand on my shoulder, a hand that I shock off.

I stood up and secured my hand in my pocket. Gazing at him, I began to revise my judgment on him. His eyes spoke worry and puzzlement but I already doubted my ability to judge so I had to rely on facts… yes, yes, I need to be more rational about everything.

-“ Al said that you’re dating someone else…older.” Was that husky voice mine? He muttered something under his breath; it was obvious that he was putting great effort to control himself. I could not keep looking at him and still be objective and hence my sudden interest in the grass. “Suzie,” he finally spoke. Guilt? Anger? Both? “Suzie, don’t tell me that you don’t remember! I’ve told you about her! Remember! At my house!” he fired at me.

-“ But that was… along time ago.” I managed to say as a fragment of our conversation came back to me.

-“ Exactly! He thinks that I’m Don Joan or something and have affairs with every skirt around.” At this point he put his hand on my forearm but did not try to force me to look at him. “I have flirted around. That’s true… and I have had other relationships before… but,” his hand her moved to cup my chin and slowly lifted it up so I’d meet his gaze. “But I only love you.” He finished and I was melting… never before have I even dreamt of such a thing to happen to me and what I felt was the closest thing I ever experienced to what people have described as love. And so…

-“I love you too.” It was the most appropriate thing to say. And I felt somehow that I owe it to him. Flashes of us went through my mind… our small talks… laughter… his hand taking mine… his smile… I didn’t love him …but since there is no such thing as love… well how can I explain how I felt other than sincerity, respect and friendship… is love better than the three of them? I think not. I smiled. I was giving him more than what he asked even if he did not know it.

-“ Suzie… carina.” Darling? Me?

He hugged me…

He HUGGED me!

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