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Life never seemed better after we became officially a couple; well no body knew but that didn’t matter. All that matter was us and we were happy… We were perfect for each other. We shared the same ideas, dreams and interests. I even got him involved in writing a story together but I made sure that he wouldn’t mind. In fact, he seemed to like it a lot. Like me he had a good imagination and no outlet for it. It
wasn’t a grand story that people would read for years after our death but it
was for fun with unbelievable coincidences and loose plot. A sci-fi and a
historical blend together with romance. I
write my part of the events then he completes it with his own ideas. Then, he
gives it back to me, and so on… I
took out the floppy, which contains our story Time, and logged on
the Internet. I have been using the web for quite some time, now. I was ok but
it was all self taught though I hope to learn how to use it more professionally. I
signed in a chat room that I usually go to but there wasn’t any body that I
knew. So, I kept silent and started surfing other sites. However, I got bored
and returned to the chat room. There was someone I never saw before TheMilkMan.
I decided to be friendly and say hello. HEARTLESS:
hi… wuz up? My
nickname was a carefully chosen one. I didn’t want it to sound feminine or
shallow so people who had silly business on their mind would keep away. TheMilkMan:
hey, man. Whatchya doin? HEARTLESS:
not much… pretty bored as usual. TheMilkMan:
I’m bored and I’m thirsty… I want some milk. HEARTLESS:
go get yr self some! TheMilkMan:
no I want it fresh! HEARTLESS:
do I look like a cow to you? If I do then ur in deep need for glasses man. Cuz
yr looking at the prize-winning bull ;) I
have many times pretended to be male to avoid such psychos and sick people but
they keep happening! I’d better call Justin… he’ll laugh at that milk guy. I
dialed his number and continued to type in the same time. HEARTLESS:
boy, ur that desperate! lol ;P TheMilkMan:
would u mind if I sucked… TheMilkMan:
brb HEARTLESS:
tyt Justin
was sure taking his sweet time answering! -“
Hello. This is Justin.” He sounded hurried and I heard the sound of a keyboard
being clicked. Oh good. he is already using his computer! -“
Hey, Justin!” I answered cheerfully. -“
Suzie! What a pleasant surprise!” his tone was drastically changed. -“
I’m full of surprises! I hear you typing something so I guess you’re
online.” -“
Yeah, I am.” I could hear his smile. -“
You gotta come and see this! There’s a psycho I want you to meet.” -“
A cyber friend?” I sensed his mood darkening. -“
Oh no! I don’t even know the guy! I’m in a chat room…” he cut me off. -“
I’m coming. Which chat are you in?” he answered enthusiastically. -“
MSN I’m in our usual room!” I answered with equal emotion. -“…”
I heard no reply. -“
Hello? Justin? You there! Hello!” I’m not sure of what I hared next but I
think he cursed before the line cut off. TheMilkMan:
u there? HEARTLESS:
yeah wb TheMilkMan:
look…its me HEARTLESS:
ur who? If that’s you Maria Im gonna kill ya! I
wondered who this person is. It might be one of the gang trying to pull my leg. TheMilkMan:
suzie yr not making this easy on me. No!
It can’t be! Not him! TheMilkMan:
I’m sorry! I didn’t know it was u! HEARTLESS:
Justin? TheMilkMan:
I really didn’t mean it, suzie! HEARTLESS:
OMG Justin! I cant believe it! I couldn’t contain my self from laughing. I never imagined him having such naughty thoughts! He is always shy and avoids such subjects! TheMilkMan:
I think I should give u some time to cool down HEARTLESS:
looooooooooooooooooooooooooool TheMilkMan:
? HEARTLESS:
oh Justin. Theres no reason 2think! Its ok. Really! TheMilkMan:
no I’m honest u should take time to think. HEARTLESS:
there is nothing 2 think about! Look ill come to see u now! TheMilkMan:
NO DON’T! I’m too ashamed to face you! Hell! I couldn’t even talk to u on
the phone! HEARTLESS:
but TheMilkMan:
no! I cant! He
signed out and left me to my thoughts!
The
preacher went on and on with the same old boring speech since I was a toddler.
And I being me, went on my own quest of thoughts. It always has been like this.
We go to church every Sunday and as soon as I take my place, I’m off to dream
land… Of course, I kept a straight face… you don’t want to be caught
smiling when he was talking of hell! Oh dear me, no! What will they say? That
those young people are really atheists? Oh and how bad they are raised? Now,
that my mom would just love. My dad won’t mind giving a speech at that
ceremony as well. Oh he speaks so well I wonder why didn’t he elect him-self
president! Oh but being a president is no fun! When will he do HIS work? Oh,
and poor mom will have a heart attack if I goofed while I was the president
daughter! Oh the first lady doesn’t know how to raise her own kids! Such an
ugly daughter, too! Boy they don’t make’em like they used to! Tusk! Tusk! Hey!
Wait a sec! I don’t want to be the president daughter! Yikes! All those
paparazzi! When can I meet Justin? Oh, imagine the newspapers! Suzie
Micheles Gets Her First Kiss Aired! Now, that just horrible! Can’t a girl kiss
a boy in piece? And I have been waiting so long for that to happen! Bomber!
Oh but that’s old news! Imagine the E-mails! Daddy’s Little Girl
doing a No-No! How
embarrassing! What
will Justin say? He’ll
probably like to do it to you. Oh
my god! I can’t believe I just thought that! I’m
as naughty as he is! A
giggle escaped me! Oops!
Oh God! I
quickly hid my radiant smile under a stern face that had a terrible cough! Some
times, my thoughts just get out of control!
I
turned restlessly on my bed. It was mid-afternoon and I had nothing to do. No I
can’t lie. I couldn’t do anything! I was so excited about my last talk with
Justin. Justin. Justin. Justin! How easily he came to my mind! Everything
reminds me of him! I
sat up and decided to check on my folks. The house was awfully quite. Walking
down the stairs, it surprised me that the house looked deserted. As I reached
the kitchen, I read what was written on the notepad stuck to the fridge. GONE
TO ANTIE, SABRINA. Oh
great. And I’m the last one to know as usual. Or maybe they told me? I don’t
remember! These days things just
slip away and things are just glued to my memory! I
shook my head and started shifting my attention to something other than Justin
and his … eyes and… his smile… and his voice… and how adorable he looked
whenever he blushed… and his hands… and his sister…. HIS
SISTER!? I
re-snooped at the jarred door… and there she was! Kissing… kissing Sid? Ew!!!!!!
Justin must see this and fast! I slipped on the first thing I could get my feet in and started running. I soon got to his door and rapped it like crazy. When he came out all stunned to see me in such a hurry, he just stood there speechless. -“ Suzie… I …” but I cut him off. I had no time to waste and tugged his hand. -“ You gotta see this!” then I ran back to my house and signaled him to fallow, which he did. When I reached the house I was so out of breath and waited for him to catch on. Then, I took his hand and guided him through my house. -“ Suzie…” -“ Shhhhhhhh! Keep your voice down.” I answered as I neared my brother’s room. -“ But...” he added in a lower voice but I stopped him with a finger in front of my lips that must’ve been devilish which must be why he looked so spooked. I pointed at the direction with my eyes and mouthed the word LOOK. He didn’t hesitate to look. However, I was prepared for his next reaction and covered his mouth with my hand. I looked inside and saw that they were still at it. I shivered in disgust and ushered the limp body of my boyfriend out side. I didn’t want them to know that we knew! The sight of his house again somehow brought him back to life. And brought with it some of his own previous shame. -“ How does it feel to see your sister kissing?” I teased him to remind him of what he said when I saw Sara kissing. Oh, revenge can be so sweet. -“
Wonderful. Thank you.” He teased me back. -“
Ha ha!” I mocked his attempt. “Anyone who kisses Sid deserves my pity.” -“ Aw. Is that sisterly jealousy?” he smartly answered and I shook my head. -“ It seems that I’m always surprising you these days.” I mused. “First the chat room then this.” -“ And this.” He looked at me in weird way. -“ What?” I didn’t understand what he meant. -“ I never saw you like this.” He smiled sweetly. -“ Like what?” I looked down at myself. Oh my God! I gave a short shriek. Before he too covered my mouth with his hand while the other one concealed his chuckles. I crossed my hands in front of me and looked away to hide my glowing face. In my hurry to get him, I forgot what I was wearing. It was one of my old baggy nightgowns that have grown wider and shorter with washing. A fading cat is printed on the back and on my left breast. I tugged some rebellious locks behind my ear and guessed that my hair was equally messed up. This was no way to look in front of some one you aim to impress. Oh boy! This sure back fired at me! God! And look what I’m wearing on my feet! I gazed down at the two fluffy pink bunnies that were Sabrina’s favorite house shoes. Now imagine this ridiculous figure hurtling across the street and back again! Oh I’m so embarrassed! I’m hopeless! Really! Would a girl my age, my shape, my stupidity do such a rash behavior? The answer is no. Because there isn’t a girl my age, my shape, my stupidity that would have what could almost be a boyfriend to embarrass herself in front of him! -“ I guess no one’s perfect.” I smiled trying to pick up the mood still not able to look at him. He stepped closer and I felt something soft touching my forehead before he turned around saying what I think was: “ you are.” He quickly went home and left me to analyze what he just did! I closed the door and kicked the bunny shoes off and started floating to the living room. I think I got my first kiss from him… He KISSED my forehead! Boy that was a surprise… I never thought he’d kiss me at all in that disgusting state! Nevertheless…
My forehead? I always thought that it was a fatherly gesture. You know, all
innocent and stuff. I was more shocked than curious as to why he did it. What
did he see in me? I
shook my head… my be I’m exaggerating… perhaps I’m not that ugly… I
might be acceptable… -“
Hey, grizzly bear. Whatchya doin' outside that cave of yours! You’re blocking
the way.” Sid commented cheerfully not bothering to extend his favorite joke
and dashed to get something to eat. I
guess she left. I
sighed. No need to fool my self. It’s pretty obvious to every one that I’m
hideous. I looked at Sid again and he made a face at me. So, I moved on. I must
admit that Sid is Cute … in a cruel way. Maybe I am jealous like Justin said.
How come Sid is kissing while I was struggling just to have Justin interested!
Maybe that’s why he kissed me… on the forehead, a compromising gift. You
know, to say he’s sorry, to make me seize my jealousy and not go to a living
horror by kissing something else. That must be it, Suzie. Stop trying to force your-self into your dreams. You are not worthy to be dreamt about. Stick to the facts. Don’t fly, the fall will hurt you.
-“…
Heroin… cocaine … are you sure you’re on drugs?” Sabrina said
exasperated after reading a long list of drug names. -“
You seemed to be sure last time.” I smiled bemused by her. -“
I think I misdiagnosed your case… maybe you were homesick after all,” she
concluded frowning. -“
Maybe…” I grinned my winning infuriating grin. “And maybe not… I never
lied to you before.” One thing I hate about my self and can never change is
that I’m a bad winner. I can’t help my self from screaming my success in the
face of my challengers. A bad habit, I admit but one of great ecstasy! -“
So are you or are you not?” Sabrina asked out of patience. -“
Maybe and maybe not!” I continued my pleasure. -“
Suzie!” she cried heatedly. -“
Nice of you to ask before judging me… I wonder if you’d really take my word
for whatever I say to you. So, I better let you choose on your own.” I lay
back on the couch finally fulfilled my avenge and watched her exit the scene of
the battle.
-“
Can you imagine? He dared to pretend a claim on me! Like I’m some sort of
car... or, or a THING.” Amy concluded. -“
I thought you broke-up with him.” I never told her about what happened in the
locker room and almost forgot about it. -“
I DID! That’s what annoys me! That guy doesn’t take ‘no’ for an
answer.” -“
That he is.” I agreed. -“
You know what’s more?” she said glad that I agreed and hadn’t told her
‘I told you so’. -“
What?” I answered absentmindedly. -“
He thinks that I keep calling him at night but say nothing… can you believe
how low one might go!” she laughed at his silly attempts to regain her. -“
You know, you’re a guy magnet… but you keep attacking the wrong guys.” I
winked and smiled. -“
At least she attracts SOMEONE! But we my dear… let’s say that we are worse
than Amy.” Bessie put an arm on my shoulder in condolences. -“
You know this is a free country… who said we need men!” Becky chipped in
determinately. -“
Yes, you’re absolutely right! We can get girls!” Maria as always attempted
to soften Becky’s heartfelt remarks. -“
Maria! You’re a genius!” Bessie cried out liking the idea. “ And we’re
six girls! Oh it’s perfect!” her eyes gleamed playfully. -“
I choose the Blondie in red!” Maria clung to my arm giggling while I blushed
slightly. It felt good that I was chosen even it was a joke… it really felt
good to be wanted. -“
Oh you’re the devil Maria! Suzie has become a beauty in the last few weeks.
But I won’t loose Nancy for the world!” Bessie in her turned clung and
fluttered her eyelashes to quiet Nancy who smirked back in a knowing way that
said you-don’t-fool-me-I-know-you-wanted-Suzie but laughed any way.
-“
And he told he actually asked her why she keeps calling him at mid-night!” I
giggled and rested my head on Justin’s shoulder. I
was used to tell him almost everything that happens to me… he was in one of
his silent moods and I didn’t mind doing all the talking… he must have a lot
of things on his mind; his graduation was near and bigger problems must be
weighing over his shoulder. It was enough for me to have him around; he
needn’t talking to tell me what was with him if he didn’t feel like sharing
it now. I’ll know soon enough. -“
Maybe he loves her.” He smiled at me. -“
Are you kidding me?” I laughed. The thought was too absurd. -“
You never know.” He teased back knowing too well how to make my conscience
kick in. -“
Even if he is! He’s no good for Amy.” I finally settled my inner battle. -“
Why?” he smirked. -“
Because… because I don’t like him!” I had no logical explanation and that
displeased me. -“
Why?” he lay back on the grass while I looked at him staring at the stars. -“
I hate his hair style.” I joked. But deep down I was angry for not being able
to tell him what happened. I didn’t want to think of it. Till now I considered
it a bad dream and shoved it off my mind. He
said nothing nor did he smile but simply changed the subject. How nice to have a
considerate partner who knows when a topic upsets you and avoids it!
-“
Oh Bessie, what should I do?” I sighed over the phone so that she would not
miss the sound at the other end. -“
Tell Amy. She’ll know what to do. That jerk! I never liked him any way. What
was he thinking by bulling you? But I’m glad you faced him! That my Girl!
Suzie El Macho!” I could feel her smiling encouraging me but I felt miserable
for interfering. -“
Do you think he loved her?” Justin words rang in my head. -“
Nah, he’s just showing off. He had his manly ego kicked in the ass for the
first time and got pissed off. He’ll cool down eventually and get over it.” -“
Manly ego. Eh?” I mused over the word. Bessie could always cheer me up and
this was no exception. -“
Yeah.” She giggled knowing a tease was on the way. -“
Big word… where did you come across it?” the prophesized tease came true. -“
Uh huh, what do you think of me?” she asked begging for a word of praise or
two. I paused considering my options. -“
I think you’re getting better.” I smiled over the same answer I gave
whenever she asked that question. -“
Shit, Suzie! When will you… oh forget it!” she acted offended and I, as
always, wanted to please. So… -“
Oh alright, you’re good.” I offered. -“
Riiiiiiiiight.” -“
You’re great!” I added. -“
You don’t say?” she wasn’t satisfied. -“
And you’re the most beautiful girl ever created… you’re hair is silk made
from a moonless night… you’re eyes raven dark and enchanting!” I would
have continued but she was laughing uproariously and gracing me with a damaged
eardrum… I didn’t complain I have graced her many times with the same
blessing. -“
I wont be tricked with your quick tongue! You took Maria and dumped me!” she
teased with our joke earlier that morning. -“
It wasn’t my fault! She blackmailed me!” I made up the story as I went on.
“ She had a picture of me with me in my birthday suit and threatened to show
it to every one!” I concluded the outrageous episode with deep sigh. -“
Oh stop, forget it! Your tears are all over me.” -“
Help me forget.” I sniffed. -“
Ok… your room at midnight.” She replied reluctantly. -“
I’ll open my window!” I retorted and she giggled. -“
I’ll open my wallet.” She chuckled. -“
Hey, umm…” I gathered my wits. “Thanks.” I said sincerely. -“
It’s ok. You’ll do for tonight.” She answered snobbishly and we laughed.
Though we laughed, we both knew why I thanked her. Life was good and everything
was great with the world again.
-“
I’m not hungry, mom!” I headed to my room feeling cheerful. -“
Su-u-u-re, that what you say now. Then, later you’ll go sneaking to eat.
It’s better to have a meal and convince you’re self that you ate enough.
Next year you wont be able to fit through the door!” She replied with the same
monotonous answer. And suddenly, I didn’t feel so bright. It’s
moment like those that I felt so miserable and so very hungry. My stomach
growled but I held my self. I’ve been dieting for some time now and I was not
ready yet to break it since I was doing so well so far. Why did she have to
remind me how hideous I looked? No one lets me forget in this a nightmare of a
house! I was so annoyed with them that I didn’t even say that I was dieting
afraid of a nasty comment that would surely find its way to my ear, even if they
meant good by it, it would still hurt. I
clenched my hands and felt my nails cutting through the skin and it felt good to
transfer that aching pain in my soul to a mere physical scratch. I released my
breath in a deep sigh. I tried to recollect my thoughts before that agonizing
intrusion that sent me swirling down to earth. I walked on concentrating and it
came back to me. I had an idea for our joint story, Time.
It was something I had to Justin some while ago. I started the computer and change my clothes while it opened. The PC was a piece of junk all jittery and ready to shutdown whenever it pleased but it sufficed my needs. I threw the blouse and skirt over the bed after getting into my P.J’s and sat my self in front of the screen. It takes my computer ages to open so I spent what time I hade on writing notes because I did not want to loose any ideas due to my remarkable memory. Now,
let's see. Umm… what were the exact words? Something like this: “promise me,
Justin. Promise that you’ll tell me when you begin to get bored of… of being
with me… would you tell me? I’d hate to impose my-self on you.” yes I
guess this was it. And he said… oh, I forgot! Darn… no, no I remember, it
was a sweet answer but he wouldn’t answer it directly until I forced it out of
him… I think it went along with this: “I wont be bored, Suzie! I love
you.” And I said: “ but you might… you don’t know the future.” But he
wasn’t put up with my reasoning, “I know my heart and it tells me that I
will not stop loving you.” I on the other hand, I trusted that nothing can go
on forever, “ok, so it wont hurt to promise, wouldn’t it? Promising it
doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen… it will only make me happy.” I was
whining and I knew it but it was my only choice and he reluctantly answered,
“Only if you do the same.” Of course, I agreed. And I was once more happy
and my mother statement seemed far, far away… in another world… and I felt
beautiful. I
sighed happily. I was great in burying sadness. However, it some times
resurfaces but if I can overcome them once, I could always overcome them again
and again… I could not kill them but that doesn’t mean that I have to feel
them every second in every single day! What’s the use? I’ll still be ugly in
the morning! “Seize the day,” was my motto and it was a good one. I brushed away a lock of hair out of my face and began typing. As usual, I logged to the net and checked on my mail as I typed the pinpoints to elaborate on them later. I was on the second line when I realized that I had an e-mail from Justin. Eagerly, I left everything and opened it. “Dear
Suzie, In
the last few days, I felt whenever I talked to you that your talking to someone
else… maybe what we have isn’t working. Maybe we should go back to what we
used to be. Just friends… Yours, Justin”
I
couldn’t comprehend what I just read and what I could understand I could not
believe. I read again hoping that I
mistook his meaning but the only outcome was more misery. I heard a crumbling
sound and I snapped out of my daze and look down at the piece of paper I had in
my hand and my first impulse was to smooth it back to its shape but the next
moment I realized the futility of my attempt, not because the paper was badly
damaged but because there was no actual use for it after now. Fury
blazed in me. I felt uncontrollable anger sweeping over my soul and a deep
urgent need to destruct everything in my path. How could he! How dare he do this
to me! I began tearing the paper blinded with rage until there were only bits
and pieces of scattered shreds on my lap an on the floor. Yet, this was not
enough… I needed destroy more things… I clenched my hand and hit the table with as much strength I had and the sound was music to my ears and I looked at my hand pleased with it only to be faced by a piece of paper that I tore up earlier and with bitterness I read the two word it carried, “tell me”. Tell
me? Tell me what? ‘Tell me when you get bored of me … promise… I hate
to be a burden…’ oh God, I murmured. Oh God. And I fell back to my chair
with a thud… the anger and fury left me limp and weak. All those demons that
screamed before were merely ghost and I knew they’d haunt me like all the
sadness I battled against before. Yet, you cannot burry a ghost… ghosts are
already dead. My
mind, so used to despair, needed only moments to regain its balance and put
things back into place including me. Me? Who was I? I was fat old ugly Suzie
Michaels. What did you expect? You already knew it was a mere matter of time
before he realizes these facts. It was a long sweet dream and it had lasted more
than you expected! That’s a reason to celebrate not to be sad but I couldn’t
bring my-self to smiling again. The weight of my love for him was too heavy to
lift. And suddenly my vision was clouded with tears that burned my eyes in their
attempt to escape. Somehow, I managed to hold them back. Why cry? What’s the
use? And yet, deep inside I knew that when I’m all alone at night, there would
be plenty of tears to wipe away. I
sat there facing the glowing screen of my PC wondering what to do. There was
nothing to do. It already has been done. I looked at the e-mail again to read it
one last time. It was actually very gallantry of him not to say that he was
bored of me and blamed something else. That’s my Justin, always thoughtful and
considerate. What was it he blamed again? “I
felt whenever I talked to you that your talking to someone else,”
what was that supposed to mean? Is he saying that I did not understand his real
personality? That I was fooled by appearances? Could he be right? But I felt so
close to him! Was I mistaken? Were his silent moods that were more often lately
actually unmistakable signs for boredom yet I failed to notice? Have I offended
him somehow? I was always reckless with my words! I must have driven him away by
my stupidity. I
sat there criticizing my-self for only god-knows-when, Till I came to terms with
what had happened. It still hurt but it was my fault that it did, what business
do the likes of me have with love? We are mere observers not allowed to get
involved for our own good and who dares breaks the rules shall suffer the
consequences. Bottom line, I deserved this. I knew what I had in store when I
attempted the forbidden pleasure. But I was drunk on it like the moth flying
directly to his flaming death with joy. And
as the ant told the grasshopper when winter came, “dance and play in the cold
as you did in your spring.” I shall endure my pain as I enjoyed my delight. It
is only fair to do so. Every action has a reaction same in force and opposite in
direction. Life wasn’t easy and no one said it would be. But
I must be strong. Courage, Suzie, All is not lost. He still wants to be friends
with you but you shouldn’t blame him. “Seize the day,” remember? He was
giving you signs all along. It was you who was too stupidly in love to notice.
Look how kind of him not to face you with your flaws. He gave you time and space
to cool down without making a fool out of your self, if you hadn’t done that
already. He
is a great guy and you are no match for him; you always new that. You better
accept his conditions and only be a friend. It might be hard at first but you
know how to control your feelings. And let this be lesson to you. You’re a
good person but face it with your looks no one will love you. Sure, others like
you but that is the top feeling you could experience. Let things be like they
were before and thank your Lord no one knew about you two so no one’s face
will be lost. Sometimes, Suzie, I think the angels are working over time to make
things easier for you. Whither you deserve it or not, is another matter. I
stared at the screen and decided to return his curtsy. After all, I was not a
rude person and I don’t intend to become one. I treat people exactly as I wish
they’d treat me. Not that it’s going to work this time but I couldn’t be
rude with him even if I wanted. I sighed then started composing an e-mail for
him. Love, Dear, Friend,
Justin…
A
rose by any other name would still smell as sweet… I
always desired to please you, which shows you my great dislike to lose you.
However, I must consider your feelings, too. It has been a pleasure to be your
girlfriend even if it was for a short time. In that short period I came to know
you very well and how rare people such as you are. It’s an honor to have you
in my life whatever way it is. I’ll always be there for you when you need me. Yours
truly, Suzie P.S. I’m
sorry I didn’t get your hints earlier. I guess I didn’t allow my-self to see
it. There,
I said all what’s in my mind and I hope he won’t mistake it for something
else. I’d better go and change the scenery… I feel very tired and I can’t
put up even a plastic smile on my face. I
closed the windows and paused at Time. Then, I began the process
of deleting it. It was meaningless now. Nevertheless, I didn’t have the heart
to complete deleting it. I had the right to a souvenir. Therefore, I kept it
unchanged and locked the file with a password. Then, I shut the PC off. I
turned to walk out making sure of not glancing at his house. The scar was still
raw and needed some time to heal. I better call Bessie and ask her if I could
sleep over her house for the night. I didn’t want to be alone tonight … I
felt too empty to be alone. End
of Book One
4.6.2003-4.4.1424
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