My room. My fort. My haven in a storm. My world inside a shell. No one ever intrudes my solitude there. I know lots of girls who would do anything to get a private room but my room is something else. It is almost an apartment! It has its own bathroom and walk-in closet. In my room I don’t need to act to please others. I can sit in the strangest position & wont feel embarrassed. I can read a book or watch a movie on my VCR for the 100^th time & still cry not feeling a bit ashamed. I can eat with my fingers and make bubbles in my soda and just be happy… My room. My bliss.

I stepped into my world. A cat picture greeted my weary eyes. I couldn't but smile. I felt that every article in the room greeted me and some blamed me for leaving them in a mess. Again, I sighed. A different sigh this time. This time it’s a sight of relief. I've come safe and sound after a tiresome journey. The day event flashed before my eyes.

 I leaned on the door closing it and closing the entire world with it. I started taking off my costume. Pausing for some time to look at my reflection on the wall mirror. I had wings. I have always dreamt of having wings. I loved the idea of flying. Not on a plane but freely only wings supporting your weight. Sometimes, when the wind blows, I'd open my window, close my eyes and spread my arms and imagine myself flying. My childish dream was shattered once when I read an article; it said that humans could never use wings to fly because they'd need a 10-meter long wing to carry them, which was impossible. Still, I've found a way to dream. I imagined that I was a swan that flies with such grace it could be called dancing rather than flying. Why a swan? A swan is peaceful, beautiful, delicate and pure. Have you ever seen or heard about The Swan Princess? She was a girl trapped in a Swan body but I felt that I was a Swan in a human body. Not quite the same as every body else. And usually I felt … alone.

Fortunately, in the last two years I was able of making friends, real friends who understand me and accept me not as a freak but as kindred spirit. My heart warmed to remember them. I looked at my dresser. My letterbox and some of my friends gifts was scattered on the table. I smiled and continued undressing. How can any body live with out friends? In fact, how did I live with out friends? Miserably! I was alone all the time. Yes, of course I had people whom I fancied to call my friends but they weren't. I sat & talked and felt the shallowness of their thinking. What’s wrong with rich kids? Can't they feel that other people were persons? Why was everything a joke for them? Why was making fun of other people's follies, their only sport? How could anyone who heard their hearts laugh, Giggle, or Cry Then still, take no consideration to other people's feelings? Why couldn't I fit in? Was I asking too many in friends?

No. I asked for what was rightfully my choice! God blessed me with a brain and a soul and I was not going to leave them useless. No, by God I took joy in learning and hearing how smart I was. Perhaps what made me so earnest in learning was that I rarely heard any complements otherwise. I'm not blaming anyone -God forbids! - It was only that I heard so much nice things said about other people… nice things that I lacked. I wanted my parents to be proud of me but with every try I make I hear how much better someone else is. I think they wanted to encourage me by comparing me with others but I took it as a rejection to my efforts and my self-confidence was shattered. Only school, stories and TV kept me going. Cartoons were my only true friends. They were always funny, witty and unreal, my escape from my problems. My mom called it addiction. I call it salvation.

I hanged the costume and put on my nightdress. Lazily I moved to my bed, my partner for good and bad. I slipped under the covers and hugged my pillow. It is a strange sleeping position but I got so used to it that I couldn't sleep if I didn’t hug the pillow! I stretched my hand to reach my alarm clock and set it on. I closed my eyes. Relaxing all muscles and in no time I was off to dream land.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNnnnng!!!!!

I woke up startled. A headache took over me. God, I'm tired! I switched the alarm clock off and just lay there motionless for sometime. I tried to sort all the ideas that crowded in my head since I woke up. Why was I annoyed? Why do I have a headache? Oh yeah. Bessie has the day off and I don’t! OH MY GOD! I'M LATE!

I dashed to the bathroom to wash my face and clean my teeth. Then I hurried out to comb my hair and wore something suitable… quickly … quickly it's late! I grabbed my bag and stormed out of my room.

-" Good morning, Suzy! How was last night?"

-" Later!"

I flew out of the door and realized I was just in time. Five seconds and it would have been too late!

 I settled into a seat and took a long breath. I dried my sweat with my sleeve. This was too close!

-" Miss, you dropt your watch." A male voice addressed me companied with a hand offering my watch back.

-" Gee, thanks!" my voice choked when I saw who it was. “YOU!"

-" Yep! Justin the name, party is the game. Well, actually its soccer." He said it as he dropt beside me. "What’s up?"

I was frozen. Oh God, no. Not this soon. I'm not ready!  Shit! Why did he have to take the bus today! Where was his car? I blocked all thoughts and concentrated on the conversation. If it was, it was one sided. I finally decided that it was safe to swallow and speak.

-"H... hi, Justin." This can't get any worse! Or can it?

-"Hey, angel! I didn't realize that heaven was so near!" I giggled. I couldn't help noticing the irony of the situation.

-" Nearer than what you think!" he chuckled.

-" So how come angels wear watches?" I was actually enjoying this conversation. I looked at my watch that I didn’t have time to wear earlier and put it back again in my pocket.

-" Oh, it's not just any watch! Its magical!" he got interested.

-" You don’t say! What does it do?" I looked side ways then turned back to him and whispered.

-" It turns me back into angel form!" I nodded to signal how important this secret is. His eyes widened.

-" Like Cinderella? So if I made you wear this, you'll marry me & live happily ever after?" I broke into laughter. He was hilarious! I never had anyone hit on me before but nevertheless I recognized this as being one. I wondered how should I deal with it. Laugh it off, Suzie. That way it wont hurt either of you.  

-" No, you can't do that." I said acting seriously. “You need a pumpkin that turns into a BMW." He shook his head.

-" Nope my apple turns only to a Mercedes. Sorry." He acted disappointed.

-" It’s ok. You can always you use this watermelon that turns into a bus!" we laughed together. Then I added seriously.

-"How come you’re not using your car?"

-"It’s troublesome. Besides it's always hard to find a parking-lot for it." I nodded understandingly.

-" A car isn't always useful, huh?"

-" Besides, I have more opportunities to meet girls on a bus, Sophie." I was stunned. Who is Sophie?

-" Who is Sophie?"

-" You!" I laughed.

-" I'm not!"

-" Sonia?"

-"Yuck! No!" I laughed understanding finally what did he mean. He heard Bessie say half of my name (Su...) and now he was guessing what it is.

-" Surina? Sue?"

-" No. No. And I'm not telling you!" this was a funny situation. Secretly, I didn't want him to lose interest in me. I know its silly but come on you've got to like his style!

Luckily we reached our stop and I ended this rather funny conversation.

-" 'Bye, Justin! "

-" Summer???" I chuckled.

     -" Good bye!!!"

I hurried to my lecture. Smiling politely while I squirmed between people who blocked doorways just for the fun of it. I reached the haul just in time. Two smiling faces greeted me, Nancy and Rebecca.

-" Hey, guys. Wuz up?"

-" Not our grades. And that’s a fact!" Nancy replied.

-" Cheer up, weary travelers. Sweeten thy mood with this nectar magic." With this, Rebecca offered us our usual dosage of chocolate. Greedily I snatched my share. I loved everything about Rebecca. She was the most thoughtful person on earth. I loved her way of speaking, her British accent, her metaphors, her stories and most of all her patience. She and I have lots in common. We love drawing and watching cartoons. We enjoyed writing fictional stories. Yet, she loves mystery while I apt to like the romantic/comic part. I gave her a grateful look to thank her for her little gift. I drew my eyes back to Nancy. She too had a special part in my heart. The most striking thing I find in her is her neatness. She is the most organized person I have ever seen! Even when she draws with oil paints she manages to keep a clean hand. Second thing you'll notice is her handwriting. It’s a gift! I once read that pretty handwriting reflects a great control of one's actions. Rebecca too had a rather neat handwriting. Only God knows where would I be if it weren’t for Nancy and Rebecca's notes to copy!

I smiled at both friends and listened to them while they continued their previous conversation. I heard nothing. All this excitement in such short time left me powerless. I did not have enough energy to get involve again. Being a romantic girl, I spent the time of the lecture daydreaming and recollecting every single word Justin said to me. Luckily, I'm always daydreaming in lectures so to day was not a shock to anyone.

I returned back to reality as the professor finished. I grabbed my bag to move on to our next lecture and signaled to my partners to go. They got me and we all headed out.

-" Look Suzie, read this! Nothing like that happened before." Nancy gave me a copy of the college pamphlet. I sighed and looked around noticing that a rather respectful number of people were reading the same edition Nancy offered.  I always believed that Nancy was the only person who read this rubbish. Being a curious person I took her offer and began to read the headlines:

-" Juliet's Angel Dumps Rom … Whaaaaaaaa!"  I couldn’t believe this. Nancy turned to Rebecca with a smirk on her mouth.

-" See! Told ya she'd be interested!"

-" It is all nonsense, Nancy! I wonder how they managed to get the Cutest Couple Award!"

-" Won what!" shock upon shock left my mind blank.

-" See! Even Susan thinks it's rather ridiculous!"

-" No she doesn't. She thinks it's perfect! Aint it so, Suzy!" I looked upon my friends. I had no idea what to say. Both had the pleading looks on their faces willing me to support them.

-" ...I don’t know… " Nancy turned to Rebecca grinning.

-" You know, Becky, she is only saying that 'cause she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by agreeing with me."

-" Absolutely outrageous! She is not!"

-" Yes, she is."

-" No, she isn't!" they've got to be in a really good mood! I continued reading out loud to shut them up.

-" “ … After the funny conversation the award winning Juliet had disappeared into the rest room and never been seen afterwards while the mourning Romeo vanished about the same time. However, the cute couple did not show up to receive their awards later on.

“ One of the honorary judges has commented that she never understood why should the award always went to some good looking fools and that she was pleased with this year couple. However, she did assert that it has been the students them-selves who had chosen this year Cutest Couple and that her duty was to keep chaos out of the way. As its known ever since 1982, the college had a strict rule about the choice of costume. The incident of the naked couple is still fresh in the mind of the college high commanders.

“ On the other hand, some of the student body claimed that the college was going to the dogs. Shock is what could describe last year winners as one of them reported that never such mockery was taken so seriously before.

“ Still, this year winners arouse many questions. Some even said that the result was manipulated to disgrace the college….”

Oh man! Who ever thought about that ever happening!"

-" Not only that," Nancy added "but there are no pictures of the couple! Can you believe that! Such shame! Only their description was placed but it can never compete with a picture."

-" If they deserved the award they should've gone to receive it not to vanish like Cinderella!" Rebecca was still not buying it. Hell, I wasn’t buying it!

The rest of the day was not eventful. I was in deep silence. I needed time to sort things out. College was not the place to be when you want to think. My dear friends were worried but I said I was having cramps.

I reached my home, the big mansion with a high fence. I gazed at it silently. Sadness swept over me. I lived in an irony all my life. To day was just the topping. I sighed. Cutes Couple! Who is cute? Me? No way, too fat for that. Couple? Heck, the guy doesn’t even know my name! Is this some twisted misfortune?  Before I new it, tears were blanking my view. I did not mind crying. It is a healthy way to express the suppressed feelings. I feared that others might see it; others would be my family. Around here no one cares if you dropped dead; they will pass by frown then forget all about you. My family will be concerned about the reason I'm crying. Something I had no idea about. I just feel like crying so, I'll cry. Who cares what's the reason??? Not me. I always feel better after crying.

I started walking to the near public garden. I had a favorite spot where I liked to sit and watch while I cry without being seen. I rarely go there, nowadays. Though I used to go there often when I was a teenager to cry my heart out then return with a sigh and a smile.

I had a bitter teen. I never felt good about myself. I was a geek who only enjoyed homework and TV and books, a geek with lots of acnes and oily hair. A typical geek. And as if my brother, Sid, didn’t think all of that was enough to destroy my self-confidence, so he used to make fun of me. A typical cruel careless teenage boy. I wanted to be his friend but he believed that somehow sisters are not good friends material but the best enemies. How much jokes I had to go through. I sometimes even smile at him acting as though I enjoy his humor as a step to become friends. All that ended when I finally gave up on him and started avoiding him as much as I can. His harsh criticism of my appearance made me think that I was ugly no matter how I tried.

I reached my spot and sat down looking at the direction of my house. My only resort at home was my little sister, Sabrina. She followed me around and I enjoyed it. She thought the world of me and I did everything to keep her view the same way. I was always strong enough to carry her around; I bought her sweets, showered her with gifts and was her best friend. She was about five at that time. I thought her everything I knew about drawing animals. That’s what makes me feel sad that she had entered her cursed teen and began to detach her self from me. I felt horrible perhaps more than a mother losing her child in front of her eyes.

Being a teenager is hard. I was there my self. She wants her privacy but if she needs me I'll be there for her. Yet, the void of her absences pained me. The time I spent with her was useless now. I spent it on meditating on my condition. I finally decided that I might be ugly but I had the right to live and laugh, and have fun. I did not fear failure. How can you fear something you've been accustomed to all your life? This stroked a new light in my world. This realization came to me in a convenient timing. I was leaving school and was aiming to have my B.A. I began a new life. I trusted my self to do well. I trusted my self to be the best person I can.

I sighed leaving the last tears to dry on their own. I rarely cried for no reason. Was this one of the rare occasions? What was bothering me? Was it because I felt that someone was mocking me by giving me that title? Was I scared of a scandal if Justin blurted out who I was? Was it that I liked Justin so much that I pitied my self for not having enough beauty to gain his affection? Was I in love?  No it can’t be! I don’t believe in silly love from first sight. It is so vain to think that you'll love some one for his/her looks! Love should grow gradually while you explore the abilities of that person. A crush? Perhaps, but it wont last long here since it's obviously one sided. Susie be careful, you'll be hurt if you get seriously involved with him. Try and make sure to settle things with him as to not tell who you are and then never speak to him again. You can survive with a free damaged heart but if it's wrecked you will never be anything in your life.

Fresh breeze tickled my cheek. I took a deep breath and smiled. Remembering a childish song I heard on Sesame street: "there is only one me, that can do the things I do … there is only one me, tell me how about you?

-"Yes only one me. The world cannot handle two of me." I let the wind play with my hair that was in need for a comp. Nonetheless, the dream of flying played across my mind again. I moved my head rhythmaticly with the wind and lost track of time.

-" Are you lost, little Angel?" a familiar male voice interrupted my daydreaming.

-" Uh... hi, Justin." Great! When I finally decide to leave the guy he pops again

-" Why so sad?" I looked at him wondering if ever a person felt the same way I felt right then.

-" I'm not sad." I said denying the obvious fact.

-" Yeah? Well you had the strangest expression on your face." He picked on some of the grass.  Why do you keep coming, Justin? Why do you talk to me so nicely? Why am I angry that I enjoy your company???  I tried to comb my hair but no use. It is too wildly blown by the wind.  I must look horrible.

-" You must have eagle eyes to spot me over here." I smiled. He started to say something then stopped. It was amusing to see someone shyer than me. After sometime, he finally gathered enough courage to start again.

-" I didn’t spot you."

-" Then how did you know that it was me?"

-" I followed you..."

-"What!" how dare him to follow me! He stuttered.  

Oh my god, he saw me cry!!!!!!  I got angry. He has just invaded my privacy! I felt like I was naked in public! Embarrassment and anger dropt me into a swirling storm of emotion.

-" I'm sorry, Angel. I didn’t mean to intrude on you … I just wanted to talk to you."

If this happened yesterday, I would have been flattered but now I felt like being trapped. Ashamed that I was so foolish as to fall in this trap as well as furious that of all people it happened to me. All this, made me want to cry again. I looked at him chocking with emotion but did not find any out-let for them. I just stared. Probably looking like the most messy cookie monster ever existed. He just kept looking at the grass in front of him. I guess it was better, I thought. Looking at each other would make things more awkward.

I sighed. After all, it was my fault to cry in public. I tried to say something.

-" So... why did you follow me." there! Success! A complete meaningful sentence.

-" I ... I wanted to talk to you…"

-" Yes you said that. About what?

-" Didn’t you read anything or heard something particularly interesting today?" I knew what he meant but I decided to stall it a little further.

-" Wow, you followed me to ask me this critical question! I'm impressed." I smiled acting the name he calls me.

-" You mean nothing you've seen or heard to-day, rang a bell?"

-" I've read and heard lots of things today." Susie, you can go pro in this shit! Hehehe.

He sighed. I could almost hear him telling him self, this isn't going to be easy.

-" Well you see… today ... I found out that... you know... you and I … are…"

-" The Cutest Couple?" I smiled.

-" You knew?"

-" Yes this morning my friends were fussing about it. It’s hard not to know these things, you know." I sighed.

-" Why didn’t you tell me that you know!"

-" 'Cause I wanted to see how would you tell me this ridiculous news."

-"So … what are you going to do about it?" he said frowning.

-" Nothing."

-" Nothing? As in totally denying anything to do with it?"

-" Yeah, I don’t deserve that award. We aren't even a couple for that matter!" he nodded in agreement.

-" I was going to say the same thing. Its bad enough knowing that I don’t know the girl who danced with me but if the whole world knew, I'd be a laughing stock."

-" So it’s settled. Forget this ever happened. Not a word about this to any one."

-" About what?" he smiled innocently. Good already forgotten.

I entered my home feeling better than before. I don’t know if it was crying or Justin but it was certainly working.

-" Suzie! Go change and prepare for dinner!" my mom shouted from the kitchen.

-" OK!" I went up the stairs feeling light in the head only to be faced with my brother, Sid.

-" Be careful you truck! Some people around here have lives they want to continue!" he laughed and went down for his dinner.

I sighed and continued the way to my room a little run down. My brother's harsh jokes never failed to depress me.

Quickly I changed and brushed my hair and went down to join the family. When I went down, I found out that my mom and dad were going out.

-" Suzie, me and your dad are going to your aunt's. Make sure that Sid and Sabrina eat before they sleep." My mom shot her orders while she walked to her purse heading out.

-" Mom they are old enough to eat without me babysitting them."

-" Just do it. We’ll talk latter about your prom." She flew out as my dad blew the car horn to call her. I looked behind me to see my siblings picking at their food. Again, I sighed wishing I brought down a book or a magazine to pretend interest in it if my brother decided to bother me.

I sat at the table and looked at my empty plate. I hated the days when my mom and dad don’t join us not because I miss them but they offered a certain amount of protection against Sid. I was not going to eat anything so I just looked at anything `safe` from any comment. Then, it happened. I yawned. And my brother's eyes sparkled. I could almost see a light bulb shining over his head. He turned to Sabrina.

-" You know, Brie. People should sew Suzie.” my sister looked at him. I never could predict her responses to his jokes. When we were younger, we used to fight over who would have her as an ally. And I think somehow she still thinks she must be persuaded to join sides. Lately, she rarely took mine. Mostly because I refused to challenge him.

-" Why?" Sabrina asked. Obviously intrigued. He smiled shooting me a look that spelled: t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

-" Because of her nose?"

-" Her nose?" she asked smiling waiting for the punch line.

-" You see one of her nostrils is so-o-o-o-o-o small that you can't even see with your naked eye and the other is so huge that the moon is like dirt to her. So, when she breathes, all the people, houses, animals and even the sea get sucked into her nose then they are cover with mucus when all of them go out as she exhales. Once, she almost sucked her self and got suffocated 'cause her nostril is almost as big as her body! Mwaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

They laughed. Heck, I was going to laugh too. And I really wished for something to take my attention off him. I could never answer Sid. He is always inspired by any reaction to his jokes and I never was able to make up something fast to turn the table on him. I waited but he kept elaborating on his analogy. I used my last defense. I ignored the outer world and started imagining my last recent story.

I usually make up stories for my self before I sleep. They are usually about girls who conquer their enemies in various ways but if I happen to be bored or had to detach my self from my surrounding during the day I take refuge in them as well. I rarely get bored with them. Every time there is a change in the story that makes the ending unpredictable. It is like watching a movie that changes every time you see it according to your will. And way I went on my daydreaming.

When I woke up, sort to speak, I discovered that they finished their dinner so I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and headed to my room again feeling melancholic. The heroin in my dream had a sad ending. I rarely use sad ending but this was special, it was her only escape.

I trudged to my room feeling like doing nothing but to lie on my bed reading some poetry. I do not say that I'm a big reader on poetry and no way would I enjoy Shakespeare as Bessie does. Yet, I like it if the meaning was simple and expressive.

I closed my door behind me while I opened my drawer. I had a file in which I stored articles and poetry that I liked. It has been a long time since I opened it. Dust covered the file. With eager fingers I opened the first page. It was the first poem I ever wrote:

I smiled. This poem, although years old, was the most touching poem to my heart. I actually dreamed it and as soon as I woke up I wrote it down. I turned the page but something fell from it and got under my bed. I reached to get it but it was too far. Finally, I got it out. And grief took over me as soon as I looked at it; it was Ray’s picture.

Ray was my first boy friend. Well, were not official boy-friend/girl-friend but I always thought of him as a boy friend? I must mention that he never said or done any thing that would make any one think of us as a couple. It was just that he was the first boy who ever wanted to be with me.

I looked at his picture. Blue eyes, brownish curly hair, chubby cheeks, baby face and his special smile greeted my gaze. I took a deep breath remembering our last meeting six years ago when I went to bid him farewell at the airport as he was moving to Texas. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was on tears. I wanted to shout for him to stay with me forever but alas, there were many people around us. So, I shied from it. I only knew him for 6 months but that was enough for me to love him.  I extended my hand to shake his and he took it with a firm shake.

“-"Good- bye, Sunsun -he called me that because I "lighten up any day". You're the best friend I ever had." He smiled trapping my hand with both hands as he said it. I could not speak for fear of crying. I just nodded trying my best to smile. I could not keep up my mask so I excused my self.

As I walked away, I saw a girl running our way. I heard him whisper a name "Tami." The girl went strait to Ray and flung her arms around him. I was stunned. Who was that, I wondered, why is she hugging my boy friend? The answer came quickly.

-" Oh, Ray, I'm so sorry. I was selfish! I did not want you to go. Forgive me."

-" Tami, Tami. Don’t you know me? I've already forgiven you!" then he kissed her. I could not breathe. I felt my whole body go numb. I could not move to save my self from further hurt and had to listen to what to come.

-" I love you, Tami."

-" I love you, too Ray. Call me as soon as you get there. Ok?" that was it. She could not be just a friend. And Ray loved her! I felt my heart cry to deny what I saw with my own eyes. I ran away as fast as my legs could carry me. All what I could think of was that this was not happening, this cannot be happening.

I slammed my fist at the table angry both for loving him and for letting sad memories of the past to haunt me again. I turned the picture and saw two poems attached to it; one older than the other:

I sighed closing the file and putting it where it was. I rolled back on my bed feeling very old. Do I still feel for Roy the same as before? No… odd as it sounds, I don’t. I feel, as it was a dream and nothing more. I loved something that never was there. I don’t think I'll ever find it again. Again? Was there a first?  My thoughts drifted to my first crush ever! But I can’t think of that now. I'm too exhausted. I don’t even have enough strength to go and switch off the light and I must set my clock… I …  

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