Chapter Three

I was at my aunt's house. I was not alone. My cousins were with me. We were eating dinner. They looked lovely and elegant as usual not forgetting to leave their plates half empty, as every lady must. I looked at my plate. Empty. I did not put much but the fact of an empty plate gave a wrong impression. I cleaned my mouth feeling that I must look awful. I looked around. None of my cousins needed to repair her make-up. They all looked as if they stepped out of a magazine. Nervously, I went to the nearest mirror. I did not have much make-up, only lipstick. I looked at the mirror. What an ugly face! What horrible clothes! A voice whispered. Somehow, I knew I was the only one who heard it: "it wont be long now." The voice was so calm saying such a horrible fact. I was puzzled. What? "Enjoy while it lasts!"

-"God!" I lay back again on my bed. I was scared, not because of what the voice said but of how real it felt.

My death is near? I closed my eyes. I couldn't believe how happy I felt to say it. How strange that one would be happy to say it! I touched my chest. My heart was beating so fast. It wont be long now. It wont be long.

Some time passed and I began to feel silly to make a fuss over a dream. I opened my eyes to gaze at my window. Dawn was breaking the Darkness of the night. It is not unusual for me to wake up early. I'm used to do it often as waking late. Waking without outside help is my favorite way to begin the day. So, my biological clock developed its-self to suit my schedule. That’s how I often wake up before the alarm clock goes on.

I sat on my bed and looked around. My file had fallen during the night. I picked it up. I regretted my temporary phase of anger. Ray is nothing to me. Yes at that time I thought the world would end when he left but now I only want to laugh at my teen-crush.

I smiled while I reopened the file again. As I flapped through the pages, a poem attracted me with its decoration. It had no title:

“Lost in a World that does not Know Him, Lost in a world that does not care.

Sitting in a world of Darkness, As they Pass By they just stare.

Wandering aimlessly in a Desert, Lost Deep within a Cave.

He Looks hard for some comfort, But can’t find the friend he craves.

Moving through this Life Slowly, Feeling Bitter Sweet Memories.

He Sees a Light on the Horizon, But not able to continue, he falls to his Knees.

The Light was just a mirage, It wasn’t real Anyhow.

So he just keeps on searching... Nothing seems to matter now.

May Haps one day he will find it, That happiness that far from him stays.

But for now He'll just keep on moving, That’s all he can do today.

Looking back on his life he can see it, A Life Filled with Happiness and joy.

He's not sure just when he lost it... Where is that Joy Filled young Boy?

Long ago that Boy Fled into Depression, His life filled with such loss, such Pain.

Looking into the Sky for the Sunshine, But all he felt was the rain.

The Ice of Indifference covered him, Soon after most feelings fled.

Locked in stone on the outside, While inside his Heart Bled.

Once he thought he had found it... That Crystal of hope, the light came so near.

But as he was about to embrace it, The illusion of Hope Disappeared.

His Life he longed to forfeit, He feared his Heart would not mend.

Still Lost in the world around him, Facing problems with which he could not contend.

So now he just moves ever onward... Moving on day after day.

Passing through life the best he can, Hoping to find his way."

I looked at my watch. I had two hours till my bus time. I rubbed my eyes as I walked to my closet to get a towel. I took a deep breath. I love my early morning baths. It gives me some strength during the rest of the day.

I stepped into the bus with glee. This was a happy day I decided. Or it will be after a talk with Bessie. I looked around and easily spotted her. Bessie has such distinctive features that she believes to be utterly ugly. Personally, I believed that she looked nice. Her features suited her perfectly. From Day one, I saw her and said:"She is such a good person. I wish she'd be my friend." And here it is. My wish as my opinion was true. I sat besides her smiling as she tossed her long raven hair behind her.

-" If only life would be a long vacation, it would be perfect." She answered back as she relaxed on her chair. I did not agree with her. Life would be dull if it was all just a vacation. I did not want to argue with her. I had a much more task to do.

-" Yeah I wanted to talk with you about that… I don’t know what happened there. The last thing I remember was drinking punch. Then it all blurs. The next thing you were telling me to leave his car… I hope you didn't tell any one, Susie… don’t tell me you did!" I gazed at her. How much I cared for her? A hell lot! I care about all my friends. I care so much I might become aggressive if someone tried to hurt them. Thank God Justin came in time or else I might have broken the bone of that pesky guy.

-" I knew it!" she said laughing." ok. What’s your favor? I can’t believe your black mailing me!"

-" I'm not. All I want you to do is so simple! Actually it's not something to do, it's something you don’t do."

I looked around remembering that Justin might be on board of the bus. Why should I care? He is noting to me. Finally, I decided he was not. So, I continued.

This is such a nice day!" I see the sun smiling in my eye. The bird are high in the sky and I almost believe it's a dream!" I secretly sang in my head keeping a wide smile on my face. If this day isn't happy, I'll make it happy!

-" Hi Amy. Hi, Maria!" I saluted my friends. Amy was the most petite girl I know. Which is amazing considering the fact that she is black and her brothers are at least two feet taller than me. She is a fun loving girl. And my personal belief is that she knows every guy on campus. She is the kind that men like. You know, small and vulnerable yet funny and charming. All her boyfriends are like bodyguards rather than friends. On the other hand Maria is the spirited one. If there is a strike, March or a campaign, then Maria is sure to be on the front lines. She would be a great person someday. These things you just know.

-" Hey, Susan! Looking good today!" Maria commented. I just hate it when people call me Susan. It is so… so formal. However, I did not show my annoyance.

-" I'll use your good mood today, Suzie. I want you to meet my new friend." Amy smiled a meaningful smile winking as she said it.

-" Oh no. I don’t feel like meeting your last bodyguard! …Unless Maria meets him first." Maria was not keen on guys. So I trusted her opinion.

-" Yeah… I actually met him already. He sounded tolerable." Maria nodded her head wisely.

-" And when did you meet him, Maria?" I asked her to stall my answer. I hated to meet Amy's many boy friends. As soon as I adjust to one of them, she changes him.

-" Yeah… I was responsible for the decoration and service… and don’t bother your self by asking me about the mysterious couple! As I told Nancy and Rebecca before I was far from them!" Maria said quite convinced that it was what I was going to say. I shrugged my shoulders, a gesture that meant nothing but was always accepted as a form of answer. I was relieved a little about my secret.

-" Suzie!! Please!!!! Won’t you meet Mickey-Marvin?" Amy continued her pleading. Oh well what have I got to lose? But with a name like Mickey, I bet he wont last long.

-" Yeah, whatever!" I murmured hating how people fuss over silly things. The conversation was halted as the professor entered.

-"… Are you following me? Ok? Good. You can go now." The professor declared her very welcomed departure as my friends and I passed the last round of secret-messages.

-" Oh man! One more minute with that pretender of a professor, I'd simply choose another way of slow death like throwing my self from a mountain or something." I stretched my arms while saying that.

-" I suffer the same syndrome. As soon as she starts talking I feel like cutting my neck just for the excitement." Maria chuckled.

I gazed at my friends lovingly as I always do when they talk about a shared feeling. Sometimes, I find pleasure in just watching them talk knowing that I belong.

I was lost in my own world when a hand tapped my shoulder. Startled, I looked around only to see Amy smiling in anticipation.

-" Come on, I must show you off to this guy, you'll love him!" she looked sincere.

-" You know. I must learn to say no to you guys." I grabbed my bag and followed my prosecutor friend.

-" If you did, I wont even bother to ask you. I'd grab you and MAKE you meet my friends." I heard Maria giggle.

-" Why doesn’t Maria come?" I shifted the attention to her vindictively. Pleased to see her pale and stuttering, I smiled.

-" No! She’d preach him to death." Amy answered violently. Maria on the other hand was not pleased with that answer but glad to have escaped.

-" But I'll panic! He'll be bored!" I started pointing my disadvantages as we headed to her rendezvous with Mickey. Since that did not work I gave her other options: "Nancy! Yes! He'll like Nancy! No? Ok… how about Bessie? He'll like her! How about Becky? She'll charm him…" and so I rattled along enjoying saying silly things that we both knew I was not serious about. Well, half serious for I liked to say I told you so after any encounter with her friends. " Jenny would reeeaaaaaaally be suitable…" Amy cut me off with a stab of her sharp elbow.

-" Hush! He's there!" Amy hissed and smiled to welcome her handsome friend who at the moment was leaning over another guy discussing some thing in a book but as we approached he noticed us with extended arms as if to hug us. Well, actually to hug Amy but instead he only put one arm around her small shoulder.

-" Susie, I'd like you to meet Mickey-Marvin. Hon. This is Susie my friend." Ok... now what? Susie, be sociable. Smile!

As it happened Amy knew the other guy, Mickey’s friend, as well. Apparently, I did, too.

-" Hey! Look whose here! Justin! Long time no see!" oh shit! He's sure to lose interest in me now. Good-bye secret identity. Amy rushed quickly to Justin's side and brought him back with her.

-" Susie, your very lucky! It's very rare to see Justin in daylight! He's the perfect vampire! He he. Ok let me introduce you properly. Susie this is Justin Elroy. Justin, this my friend Susie Michles." Oh well he was bound to know sooner or later. At least he doesn’t know we're neighbors.

-" Susie. It's a lovely name." I swallowed hard. Please, don’t make a scene out of this. Anything but flirting.

-" Actually I think Cordelia is a lovely name." This was Mickey who interrupted us. But a stern look from Amy sent him blabbering. "But Amy is a perfectly wonderful name." I smiled weakly for his inappropriate blabber while Justin continued.

-" Susie, you wouldn’t by any chance know James Michles?" great now he'll know we're neighbors for sure. Humiliation, here I come.

-" Yes, he's actually my father." I saw his eyes twinkle and I knew he knew and I knew he knew that I knew that he knew. He shook his head smiling. And no further talk was done about me.

I excused my self after some time, claiming that I have a lecture, which was true and due in five minutes.

Frankly, I did not think much of both guys. Mickey was a pompous-ass jerk. Quite a change in Amy's taste but you must admit that he really is good looking and Amy is not serious about him. So, technically he is nothing. Now, Justin was something else. I did not hate him but I rather liked him.

Most importantly, who was I to him? Technically nothing but a stone in his way. I should not delude my self. That guy was kind to me but only because it is his nature and does not have any thing to do with me. Sure, I would love to think that he was head over heels for me but face it; the worst thing in any one's life is to mistake daydreams with one's reality.

I sighed, looked around and finally settled my gaze on the professor who kept talking on and on with him as his own admiring audience.

A neatly folded piece of paper settled in my lap. I looked side ways to know who sent it. A pare of twinkling playful eyes met me. I smiled. The gang’s first round of passing papers has just begun.

" Suzie, if you don’t smile in the next five seconds. I'll have to kick your ass!

I'm wearing a hard boot so consider your choice carefully before deciding your destiny”

I looked at Bessie who willingly smiled showing her boot. I could not help not smiling. I actually was about to laugh. Luckily, I muffled it in time and miraculously it turned to a cough. I darted an evil look at my friend who simply winked.

I felt the small piece of paper being snatched from me. I turned to catch the guilty hand. Alas, I was not fast enough. Nancy smiled sweetly to my fruitless defense. I pouted at her direction and acted offended. Nancy, being the oversensitive person she is, got worried. In seconds, another extra neatly folded piece of paper found its path to my lap.

I looked at Nancy and found her watching my every move. I moved my gaze between my friend and the paper. Finally, I held the paper in my hand and watched her watching me. Then, I dropped the little piece of paper and put my foot on it. I looked victoriously at Nancy, who I was sure she did not see that coming. When I looked again at her I found her pleading me to read it with her eyes. Oh, well. I'll read it for her sake. I leaned to get the paper, which by now was covered, with dust. Acting angry I opened it.

I could not believe it. I looked at Nancy. Could sweet Nancy be the one who thought of this funny scheme? Sure enough, I found another laughing face. I knew it! Maria was behind this. Content that Nancy did not change her nature; I chuckled at the trick that I had fallen into.

-"Hush!" this was Rebecca who sat behind me so that I'd cover her from the eagle eyes of the professor while she wrote her story.

I love it when my friends lift me up whenever I sink in self-pity. How do they know is a mystery to me. Perhaps I frown because when I'm conscience of my self I always try to smile.

I stepped out of the bus aiming to my home. The streets were almost deserted but I was relaxed. This was a safe neighborhood. So I started walking along for my house was at the end of the street. Suddenly, I heard another footsteps following me. I stopped and it kept following me. Don’t panic! Just get the hell out of here. I began to walk faster and my follower hastened his steps as well. Who cares how funny I'll look if I run! My life is more important!

I was running by now, not daring to look behind for fear of losing precious time. I see the gate but I'm out of breath. Desperately I carried my self faster because my follower kept his pace equal to mine. Oh God! Help! The man behind me would not let me go! How did I know that he was a man? Well, he kept shouting something but I could not tell what it is. All that I could hear was my heartbeats and my heavy breath! Faster and faster I ran and the gate got so near.

Suddenly, I was face flat on the ground! What happened? I stumbled on a thrown block! This is it! I'm going to die! He is going to kill me, or worse! Why the hell I didn’t use a car! No use of being sorry now! I felt tears burning my eyes.

-"Are you ok? …" Oh how thoughtful of you Mr. Criminal! "…Suzie? …" He knows my name, too? Must've been watching me. I was still lying on the ground, too scared to move. Would pretending death help? "… Are you hurt? …" How come this voice is familiar? "…. Why were you running from me?" Duh! 'Cause you're a criminal? This was not making sense! I looked up.

-" Justin! You scared the hell out of me!" I punched him lightly on the shoulder as I started to get up. This is way far from embarrassing; there was no word for it!

-" Yeah. You should see me watching a horror movie." I started to brush away the dust on my dress. I took a deep breath. My mind was still too full of Adrenaline from the rush; I could not see things clearly. I leaned on a near wall.

-" I'm sorry I sacred you." His face was speaking sincere guilt and regretfulness. I sighed.

-" It’s ok. I'm too imaginative for my own good." I smiled weakly. "Any how… did you want to tell me something?" I could see his ears turning red. I did not know boys could do that. My smile became genuine.

-" Could we go somewhere… we need to talk…" he actually wants to talk to me!! Ok. Ok. Act casual.

-" What do you mean?" I said teasingly. I knew about the bad reputation about girls taking long time just to change.

-" You girls like to extend the minute from 60 seconds to a million seconds." I chuckled.

-" Not this girl. Give me five minutes and if I didn’t finish I'll buy you dinner."

I rushed to my room as the clock started. I grabbed my jeans and blouse then headed to the bathroom. I took off my dress, washed my hands and face, put on my clean clothes and combed my hair. I looked at my self. A girl image looked back at me. This girl was different. Her deep brown eyes were shining and her face was glowing. She was no more the ugly girl whom I am used to see; she was cute. Not beautiful but comfortable to look at. Perhaps I should run more often.

I looked at my watch. Two minutes to go. I ran down the stairs. Took my new tennis shoes. I slipped them on then flew to the door. As I reached the gate I stopped to take a deep breath and headed to him.

-" Well, what do you know? You broke the world record for women dressing." I chuckled.

-" No silly! Not to eat!" I laughed. " Lets go to the park… we'll buy popcorn and feed the ducks." He laughed.

-" Not so bad considering the loss of my secret identity then being scared to death." I teased. He smiled. He had a nice smile. Silence fell again for some long seconds. Then he started.

-" How long have you known Amy?" I smiled. Another Amy fan. He probably wants me to ask her if she liked to go out with him or something. This did not discourage me how ever. If Amy chose him as her new friend I would be happy for her. As to the matter of him not thinking of me, I already dealt with it. Who would want me? And I don’t even believe in love and even if it existed, I never will experience it. To tell the truth, I'd rather not fall in love. I would be miserable. Now, friendship is the best thing in life. Love stinks.

-" I've known her for a year and a half but we hit it off quite well. We're kindred spirits." I finally concluded.

-" I would have never guessed that you were her friend. You're so different." If he meant my outward appearance then I would have to agree with him.

-" I understand. But down beneath all her flirtatious act there is a happy child. And I just love that child so hungry to satisfy its curiosity. So optimistic..." I smiled at the memory of that friend.

At that time we reached the park and I guided him to where we bought popcorn and went to the duck pound.

-" When I was little my dad used to bring us here all the time." I started. " But he rarely is home nowadays. He is busy but he loves his work. Sometimes I even think that being at home for him is the real hard work. I'm not complaining though. He is there when I need him. Does your dad work a lot, too?"

-" Why did he move his business here? Wasn't he successful?" Justin only recently moved to this neighborhood, which explains how come he doesn't know me.

-" I think he moved so he can be near me. He doesn't believe that I can live on my own."

-" Can’t you live on your own?" I asked out of curiosity. I too did not leave home when I entered college.

-" I don’t know how to live without my family. Besides, why would I leave home? I'm better off there. I have more time to study and I get to eat real meals." he smiled.

-" I don’t know. I never had a reason to leave. I have my full freedom and privacy. I don’t need to pay to get them. True, I have some bad times over there but it beats living on my own. I do plan to leave as soon as I leave college and find a job." He nodded in agreement.

I do not usually hang out with guys and never alone with one. So, you can imagine how nervous I felt. Now that we discussed what Justin had in mind, which was how close I was to Amy. I had no idea why was he still with me. Yet he was good to talk to and I enjoyed having an attentive audience.

-" Why not?" to do what I wondered. We soon found a suitable chair and sat. Silence fell so heavily between us.

-" I was just commenting on the weather." I answered. " What were you going to say?"

-" No, no not at all." He started to blush. How cute. "This has nothing to do with Amy."

-" Oh, I see… so … umm … what did you want to talk about?" I felt my face get hot, which probably meant that I was blushing.

-" Well… you see… I don’t hate you, Susie." Gee how encouraging! I mocked my self.

-" No I didn’t mean it like that! What I mean to say is that I like you." Ok good I thought to my self. He continued. " You see Susie, I'd like to be your friend, not a stranger who happened to be involved in some unexpected event." I smiled.

-" Justin, I couldn’t have said it better than you." He grinned back. "But… look, I …"

-"It’s not like that… but you see. I never had a guy for a friend. I might offend you or do something that will bother you without knowing what I did." I was afraid of looking at him. " So if I did any of the sort, would you forgive me?" nothing other that birds chirping could be heard. I could not bear the silence. I looked up. He was smiling.

-" Really, great!" I knew that most guys lose patience really quickly with out thinking.

-" So what are you doing tomorrow night?" yikes! I already bought a ticket for Pokemon II, the movie. I can’t tell him that!

-" Um … I. I'm busy…" I put my hand in my pocket, a gesture I usually do to reassure my self. " I have an appointment." Well that’s partly true.

-" At the dentist?" he asked and I could not feel guiltier. Oh what the heck. If this will make him think badly of me, its better be soon so I don’t have time to grow an attachment with him. Not that I would, he probably is a shallow minded kind of person.

-" Pokemon II." There! I said it! I looked at him. Thinking that he probably think I'm silly.

-" Um it starts at 5:35. I guess we should be ready at five." I was sure he would find a way to get out of this deal.

-" Good. I'll wait for you in my car. Now I must go, I still have to go to the library for some books."

-" You, too, Angel… I mean Susie." I watched him as he walked away. I had a sensation that what happened was all a dream. I soon rejected the idea. In my dreams, I am never the heroin. I was not good enough as a material for heroism, not even in a dream.

I looked at the nature around me. Everything was beautiful. Every single delicate shade of color was a sweet miracle. Even the quaking of the duck sounded joyous. Life was not all that bad at that moment. Perhaps it’s worth living after all.