I was nervous all day. It was the first time I had a guy as a companion to the movies. Sure I went to the movies with my girl gang but this was different. It was purely cartoon! Guys like action movies not cartoons! I should stop thinking about this. It is getting me nowhere.

I looked at my friends; Bessy, Maria, Rebecca and Nancy were eyeing me suspiciously. I was startled.

-“ What?”

-“ What is it with you today?” Bessie answered. I felt my face go hot.

-“ N-nothing.” Exactly! Nothing! Got that, Susie?

-“ Listen, girl! When a girl comes with bright eyes and continually drifts into daydreams while blushing, I’d say something definitely happened!” Bessie, the speaker of the group answered.

-“ I … I …” I had no idea what to tell them. Luck never left me though; Jenny came rushing to announce that our mid-term results were released. For the time being, my mental and emotional state was forgotten. Temporarily saved.

We all rushed to see the results but as usual the place was over crowded. Plan B was soon in action. Nancy, being the thinnest, was sent to bring all our results. In times like these, you appreciate being nimble.

We all waited. Thankfully, my topic had not arisen again. The talk was all about how was our test and how cruel was the professor. I could guess the results. Jenny would get the best mark as usual. Bessie, Maria and me would get almost the same result. After that, Nancy and Rebecca would get their average while Amy would get the lowest. I knew Jenny’s secret in studying. She gives it all she has when she studies and when it is time for fun she gives it all she has got as well. I could never do that.

Typically, the talk turned to guys, girls’ favorite subject.

-“ I just despise the girls who turn to Ms. Seduction when she meets a guy.” Rebecca pointed.

-“ I don’t know, Becky. Girls change when there is a male audience. When I speak with guys I feel strict with them.” Maria added.

-“ It is only natural for girls to try to impress the opposite sex. You do that on instinct.” Jenny, who already was more or less engaged to her boy friend, answered.

-“ Listen to the master! Jenny knows how things happen.” Bessie teased.

-“ Do I change when I talk to guys?” I blurted. They all seemed thoughtful for a moment then shook their heads in unison. “Why?” I asked aloud unintentionally.

-“ You’re much simpler that us, Susie.” Maria replied. At that we stopped for Nancy came with our results. Yet, I did not dismiss the topic from my head as I usually do with other topics related to guys.

Was being simpler than the others good or bad? I do lead a happy life enjoying it as much as I can. I know what joys I can experience and the joys that are beyond me. Thus, I end up concentrating on certain sorts of pleasures leaving any other pleasure unthought of and forgotten. Establishing a world of pure happiness blind to any disappointment in life.

This world allowed thinking of going to the movies but it blocked any mention of guys. Hence, I stopped thinking of Justin and concentrated on how anxious I was to see Pokemon II. I guaranty my joy with imaginary things but living joys were often dangerous and I could not afford this risk.

I was snapped out of my stream of thoughts by cheers from Maria. Once again we had the same exact grades. I smiled and congratulated the group for a well-done job. As the mood got lighter and tension faded, we realized how we needed a good meal full of junk food as a reward. Feeling quite generous I offered to pay and the group politely accepted; feeling generous is rare at the end of a month.

Money was never a question to me and not because my family was rich. We were well of but not rich. Somehow, I always ended with considerable money left from my part time job as a waitress at some fast food restaurant. Perhaps my lack of interest in fashion magazines and make up was paying off nicely.

I smiled at the thought and thanked the Lord for giving me tolerable features that did not need much attention. But my smile died instantly as I remembered my weight. I pushed the frown smoothly due to years of practicing intentional amnesia. I literally force my self to forget everything but my happy mood.

I laughed at something Bessie said and felt very content with my present life. I saw some people I do not know smile at my laugh. I have heard many times that my laugh was unique in its ability to make people want to laugh as well. It was described as a hearty laugh. But I mostly thought of them as desperate laughs, desperate to find a reason to laugh for they are very rare to me. And so, when I laugh I laugh as hard as I can because I do not know when I will laugh again.

I hated my laugh. I envied girls who never laughed but smiled politely. How many times I’ve heard my mother lectures over and over again at how silly a woman who laughs a lot compared to an elegant lady who showered people with gracious coy smiles. Hating my own laugh in the search of happiness made me a desperate laugher. Yet, somehow, I was proud of my hated laugh; not many people experienced the joy of a hearty desperate laugh.

By the time I had ended my bitter thoughts while wearing a relaxed smile, we finished filling our selves with juicy delicious fattening fast food junk. I picked up on what the girls were saying, something about a movie. Since movies were my specialty, I recognized the movie instantly. Who can resist Tom Hanks in his movie: You’ve Got Mail. I almost swooned at my memory of the movie especially since I saw it yesterday.

-“ Isn’t it romantic! The best! Oh I just love Tom Hanks!” I said dreamily.

-“ I thought you loved Brad Pitt.” Maria teased.

-“ Yes I know. I’m still thinking who am I going to marry since both of them proposed.” I answered her jokingly.

-“ You wont be happy with Brad. He hates cats.” Maria continued.

-“ Really! How can any body hate cats!” I was surprised.

-“ Maybe he is allergic to them.” Jenny wondered. I nodded in agreement.

-“ But really guys. It is impossible to find out that you actually loved the same person in real and chat room.” Bessie returned to the same subject.

-“ The impossibility is the source of romance.” I answered. “ It is not real, Bessie. It’s ROMANTIC. I saw it yesterday and felt as if it is the first time I do it.”

-“ So THAT explains your dreamy mood! No wonder!” Bessie concluded. And I, somehow, felt that what Justin and I would do must be kept a secret. Thus, I did not correct her. It was not a habit of mine to keep secrets but not all things should be said. Especially since nothing happened yet. And nothing will! I reminded my self.

I looked at my watch. It was time for another lecture. I sighed, a gesture Bessie knew too well.

-“ What is it now?” Bessie complained. I smiled.

-“ Another lecture.” She got up as well as the other girls. We walked away in high spirits. After all, Dr. Randy’s lectures were usually pleasant.

I trudged my way towards the bus stop. I was mentally tired. I had a bloody battle in my head for the last six hours and apparently I lost. I told my self over and over again: don’t think of him! It is just a passing phase. He is probably so bored that he thought your company is just a change in his daily diet of skinny girls. But would I listen? No! I would think of it twice in one second just to tease the hell out of me. If any thing happened to me I would certainly deserve it! Not listening to my better judgment would cost me a lot of injury but I would not submit to my advice! How arrogant can you get! Humph! Let me see were my arrogance will lead me! Why should I care!

-“ Stupid fool.” I mumbled.

-“ Young people today take things too seriously.” I looked around to see the speaker. She was a smiling old woman. I looked at her deciding whether to speak to her or not. I finally decided that she too was talking to her self. I stepped into my bus. Talking to strangers was never a good idea. Even old people could be troublesome. I looked back at her from my window. She was in her own world busy knitting something.

The bus moved. The old woman’s image still haunted me. Would I be like her some day? Would I be old and all alone in the world? I shook my head to dismiss this idea. The future was a ghost I’d rather not think about. Why trouble my-self thinking of the inevitable? I will worry when it comes. For now, I should enjoy my self.

I saw people rushing around. No time to know each other. I remembered a time when I wanted to know about every one. If I could not, I would imagine how their lives are. Nowadays, imaging people’s life is too much trouble. I had enough troubles of my own to be bothered with.

The bus stopped at my station. I stepped out. Cool air caressed my face. I headed to my home. I remembered how Justin scared me to death yesterday and smiled. Perhaps it is better if I used a car. It would make things easier. Like not worrying that I might miss my bus and it would be easier to go to the supermarket to buy stuff. Oh my god! How could I forget! I promised my mom to buy the groceries. I turned back and headed to the nearest super market. It was quite a walk and decided to take a cab the way back home.

I entered and grabbed one of many crippled carts. Now what was it that we needed? Milk, bread and cheese. Having memorized this place, I headed directly to fetch them. Grabbing a bag of M&Ms and Pringles in the way. As I turned towards the cashier I noticed Justin with his little brother and sister. How did I know that they were his brother and sister? Why, they looked like each other only the girl looked nice perhaps because of her make up.

I concluded not to make my presence noticed and dragged my cart away after paying for them. I did not want to make Justin feel obliged to take me home. After all, he had his business to attain to. I would be in the way, which will make him hate me more. Luckily, I found a cab and gave him a tip for his short ride.

The house seemed empty. I went to the kitchen to dispose my cargo. Hearing some clatter in the kitchen, I relaxed and silently poked my head in to see who is it.  It was Sabrina wearing her headphone and making some salad for her face. Once, I asked her why doesn’t she eat it all off when it is time to wash it. She looked at me like someone heard a kid asking if his pet dog can breath underwater then turned around to read her magazine. I loved to tease her but she was the angry kind who took everything seriously and never noticed that I was actually teasing.

I entered the kitchen and started to unload my bag. I turned around and realized that she didn’t know that I was there. I headed out when I saw her look up startled.

-“ Oh it’s you, Suzie.” She finally acknowledged my presence. “Where is mom?”

-“ Went to some social gathering. She’ll be here soon.” I answered. She nodded.

-“ You know, Sabrina. Thieves could clean the house and you wouldn’t notice while making food for your face.” I said teasingly.

-“ Easy for you to say! Your complexion is whiter than me.” She put on her headphone signaling the end of the conversation. I smiled. What has complexion has to do with anything?

I went to my room. I was so tired. I looked at the wall clock. It was 3 o’clock. I had an hour of rest before time for preparation. I set my alarm clock and snoozed away.

I woke up startled. Was I late for college? I looked around. Absorbing the details around me, I finally recalled everything. I looked at my alarm clock it was still 3:45. I could sleep the remaining 15 minutes but my vast experience in sleep told me not to. It will only result with a headache and a cranky mood.

I went to the bathroom and washed my face. In a matter of seconds I decided to bathe. After discarding my clothes in a heap, I stood under the shower feeling cold water run down my sweaty skin. With the bathroom echo I began to sing. I sang everything in the bathroom but never out side unless I’m sure no one is listening. My voice was not of a singing material, unlike mom who used to sing for choir when she was little. How many times I wished I had her warm voice over a falling star but my wish was never granted.

I used to console my self by believing that God gave me this voice specially so I would live a better life than a singer. I also told my self to be careful what I wish. Perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side and that I was better off like I am now. Those thoughts would sooth me. Now however, I wished I had her voice for reasons other than singing. For the last year, I was haunted with the thought that my voice was annoying. Thus, I grew more silent. Hoping that people would notice what I had to say more than the sound of it.

For now, I only enjoyed how well I sounded in the bathroom rather than worry on people being annoyed from it. In about a quarter of an hour, I finished my shower and wore my cotton skirt and a T-shirt then I decided to wear a long sleeve dress. It would probably be cold when the movie ends.

I warped a towel around my hair and headed to fetch the hair dryer. My mom was sitting in the sitting room drinking her coffee. She was still dressed for going out. Before she said anything I knew she was ready to lecture.

-“ Hi mom.”

-“ Hi, Suzie.” She looked at me from her cup critically. “ You’re going out?”

-“ Yes.” I was not in the habit of talking a lot.

-“ I see. By the way, how was the prom?”

-“ It was ok.” I answered.

-“ So?” she looked expectantly.

-“ So what?” does she know something I don’t?

-“ Who was your date?”

-“ I went with Bessie.” I found the hair dryer and plugged it.

-” WITH Bessie!”

-“ No! We were wallflowers.” She curved her lip.

-“ You could’ve gone with Billy.”

-“ I don’t want to have my mom arranging a date for me.” I said in a low tone. We have been through this hundreds of times.

-“ But Billy is such a nice young man. We know him since he was a li’l’ kid.”

-“ He has a girl friend!”

-“ He can do a favor for an old friend.”

-“ I don’t need a favor!” I’m not that desperate!

She took a deep breath. What does she like in this subject? I’m sure she will stop soon. This time I actually went.

-“ Where are you going to, now?” she sipped her coffee.

-“ To the movies like any Wednesday.”

-“ Alone?”

-“ No I’m going with my friend.” She did not ask whom. Surely, no guy in his right mind would go with her fat daughter.

-“ What movie?” she continued. I sighed. Here we go again.

-“ Pokemon II.”

-“ A cartoon! Suzie! When will you grow up? Why can’t you be like other girls! …” I all I heard after that was blah blah blah. I nodded my head and grunted from time to time to act as if I were listening. I paid more attention to drying my hair. I knew my parents love me but I couldn’t help being who I am and loving what I love.

I finished my hair and began to absorb what she was saying.

-“… And the Elroy’s are such nice people. Elizabeth is such a charming girl! She is about your age. Mrs. Elroy has five children. But I only saw Lizzie.” It’s Lizzie already? “ Her eldest daughter has moved out. And her other children were taken by their big brother for a ride. Do you know him? He goes to your college.” I mumbled something but she continued. “And they are from Spanish origin! How delightful! I miss talking in Spanish!” she kept on talking. So, we have more in common than just being neighbors.

I went to the mirror to adjust my hair. I had a wavy dark brown hair that reaches under my shoulder. It was unlike my sisters who have strait jet-black hair. I did not look like my sisters. I was whiter and fatter. I remember one time when I was young and sitting with my cousin Ames. He took a red balloon and began to blow it. When it got very big, he asked me what color was it. I told him it was pink. He smiled and said: “that’s why your whiter, Suzie.” And for a long time I believed him to be telling the truth. Especially since I had a crush on him from the time when I was nine.

I put down the comp and wondered if I should put some make up. After much deliberation, I decided to put only my pink lipstick. Then I cleaned my lips with a tissue. I was not going to be someone I’m not. I did not wear make up so why should I do it for him. Besides it will be dark most of the time.

I grabbed my bag and headed out. I still had ten minutes but I could not be still. Besides, I could not risk my mom knowing that I was going out with Justin. I got off the house. I did not want to give Justin the impression that I was eager to go with him even if I was. So, I headed to our back yard. It has been along time since I had been there. The old swing was there as well as other junk, an old bike, one pair of skates and other toys. I sat on the swing and began rocking to and fro.

Something passed between the bushes. It disappeared under our old van. I stood waiting. And sure enough, it ran from under the car to the bushes again. At first, I feared it to be a rat but the second time I saw it, it was bigger and whiter than any rat would be. I backed away. Stray dogs have strong bites. Slowly, the creature came into the light… meow…

-“ A cat.” I was relieved. I crouched on the ground to get a better look.

Such a beautiful cat, I mused. I extended my hand and it came to me. I rubbed behind its ear; it started purring.

-“ Hello, little fellow.” I noticed its collar and looked at it. It said Pedro. “Is that your name?” I asked the mute animal. It mewed. “Was that a yes?” I asked it again feeling its furry pelt.

I had no idea how long I spent playing with the funny feline. So, I took it with me to the gate and I did not know what to do with a cat. Perhaps Justin might have some idea.

Sure enough, as I reached the gate, I found Justin. He was looking around. I felt guilty for leaving him waiting for me. But as I got closer I realized that what ever he was looking for was not I. He would not look for me under a car. I frowned.  What was he doing? I saw his little brother sulking near by. I decided to reveal my presence.

-“ Hi, Justin.” I said it cheerfully.

-“ Hello.” He said looking at my face wistfully.

-“ Look what I’ve found.” I showed him the lovely Persian cat. He was shocked.

-“ You’ve found it! Pedro! Look!” so; Pedro was the name of the boy and not the cat. The little boy came rushing.

-“ My cat!” he squealed. I surrendered the cat to him feeling a little sad. I had grown to like the soft cuddly animal. Nevertheless, I knew what it felt to lose a loved pet. I once had a cat of my own before my mom threw it away. I would have loved to have it back.

-“ How did you know it was ours?” asked Justin.

-“ I didn’t. I just found it and was on my way to meet you so I thought you might know what to do with it.” I smiled. He patted his brother’s hair.

-“ We sure do.” He looked up from his brother. “Shall we go?”

-“ Go? Oh yeah. Sure.” I almost forgot that I was going to the movies. He moved towards his silver-gray car. I followed him. We both felt awkward. As we settled in, I searched my mind for something to say but he started first.

-“ The Star Place?” I nodded. The Star Place was the best place to watch movies. It was always clean and organized. Soon, silence fell again.

-“ Nice car. I know now why you didn’t use it the other day. Must be a hard job to keep all the girls off.” He chuckled.

-“ I keep a fly-swatter in case an emergency calls.” He said smiling.

-“ Whoa, I hope I don’t see it tonight.” I joked.

-“ I believe some girls are still stuck in it.” I laughed. Most people do not understand most of my metaphors. Finding someone who not only understands but also accumulate on it was so delightful.

I was very happy at the moment. I had a humorous companion. I was going to an amusing movie. I had the world by my hand. I closed my eyes and rested against my seat. If I were a cat, I would have purred.

-“ Angel, are you ok? You look pale.” I smiled. He calls me Angel.

-“ I’m A OK. It must be the mo-o-o-on.” I looked at the afternoon sun. “Maybe not.” I chuckled.

-“ That must be why I’m hungry for blood. Unfortunately, I have to spare you for saving my little brother’s pet.” I grinned and remembered something.

-“ What’s its name?” he looked puzzled.

-“ Whose name?” he wondered.

-“ The cat.”

-“ Oh I just call it cat.”

-“ Cat as in short for Catharine?”

-“ No as in cat the animal.” He looked mused by the idea.

-“ That’s terrible! You must give it a name! Poor thing.”

-“ Poor Thing seems suitable.” He teased

-“ Hey! Don’t joke about the subject. Cats have feelings and moods. They are the nearest things to humans.” I replied enthusiastically. He was taken aback.

-“ Did you ever have a cat of your own?” he wondered. I looked at my lap.

-“ Not exactly. It was a stray cat. When my mom found out she took it away. I did not name it then but afterwards I named it Patch. It had patches of many colors on her pelt. I wonder what happened to it by now.” I smiled to the memory of the friendly feline.

-“ I’m not good with names. Why don’t you name it?”

-“ Really!”

-“Yeah.” Wow! I’m going to name his cat! Ok. Ok. Umm…

-“ How about Snow Ball?” I always wanted to call a cat that name and it suited the white furry creature perfectly.

-“ I’m sure Snow Ball is grateful for you.” He smiled. I smiled back. At this point, we reached The Star Place. The place was not crowded. Not a lot of people have time to see a movie at a weekday. And I wondered if I was delaying Justin from his studies.

We got off the car and headed to the entrance. I already bought a ticket and told Justin that I’ll wait for him to buy his. While I waited, I watched him from afar still not believing that he wanted to spend time with me. The idea of him being with me made me nervous. I never had something to say. All I talked about was silly stuff. I searched my mind for some topic to discuss. Before I had time to gather anything he returned.

-“ We still have five minutes. Want to go in now?”

-“ We can go buy some soda and popcorn first. What do you think?”

-“ Good idea. I hate to leave a movie to fill my stomach.”

-“ There’s an adjoined supermarket.” I nodded towards it.

As we entered he grabbed a basket. As it happened we both liked Pringles and 7up. As we went to the cashier I started talking.

-“ How old is your sister Lizzie?” I was wondering if she was the same girl I saw earlier today. I could sense that he didn’t expect that kind of question.

-“ She is in her first year at college.”

-“ So who was your other sister with you earlier at the supermarket?”

-“ You were there? I didn’t see you.” Of course you didn’t. I made sure of that. “That was Abby. She’s still in school.” I nodded.

-“ She’s pretty. But my mom adores Lizzie.”

-“ She knows her?”

-“ She visited your mom today and saw her.”

-“ We didn’t have visitors today. Only a Spanish wo… YOU’RE SPANISH!” he looked shocked. After seeing my mom, who wouldn’t? We don’t look alike!

-“ Yes.”

-“ You don’t LOOK Spanish. You don’t SOUND Spanish.” He contemplated.

-“ That’s ‘cause my mother is phonetic expert. She made sure all of us speak good English. Unfortunately, only my older sister, Sara, and I grasped it. Sabrina and Sid wont allow any change in their accent. They believe they should be proud of it.” I shook my shoulder to express my annoyance.

-“ I think I saw your brother. He doesn’t look like you.”

-“ Actually, he does. Only he has the darkest skin of all four of us. I take after my grandmother she was polish.” He nodded.

-“ Well if you want to see the movie we better hurry.”

I waved good-bye to Justin before I entered the house. He smiles and waved back. He was a nice guy. Pleasant, too. I wonder who is his girl friend. Of course, he has a girl friend. Surely, they fight over him. Perhaps he had a fight with her. Maybe that is why he went with me. I nodded at my conclusion. He was thoughtful and gallant. He did not open doors for me, or such silly things. He did small things that show he cares. He would stop to let you past first in a narrow alley. He passes the ketchup with out you saying anything. He would bend down to get something that fell from you. His mom taught him well. I frowned at how I insulted her the first time we met. I opened the door.

-“ Well, how was your date?” I looked up.

-“ It’s not a date, mom.” I answered.

-“ He picked you up, didn’t he?” she started.

-“ Yes…”

-“ He took you some place to have fun?” she continued.

-“ Yes but…”

-“ He bought you something to eat?” she cut me off.

-“ But…” I started to correct her but she cut me off again.

-“ THAT my dear is considered a date!”

-“ You don’t understand!”

-“ Oh I understand! You don’t call it a date. You prefer using… what’s that word? Oh yeah. You HANG OUT together.” Well, yes. We hanged out but it was not a date. Or was it? I sighed. Why does she have to make it complicated? “So,” she continued. “ Who is he?”

-“ He is NOT my date.” I insisted.

-“ Ok…” she coaxed. I took a deep breath.

-“ He is Justin Elroy…” I could not think of what to say. Certainly not that he was my cute couple!

-“ Elroy? Our neighbor?” an idea flashed through my mind.

-“ Yes, I found his li’l brother’s cat and he offered to take me to the movies. I don’t really know him.” I ended my lie hoping she would not ask who was my other friend I claimed that I was meeting there.

-“ Isn’t he a nice young man? Such nice people! Did I tell I visited them today?” Nice to sacrifice their precious time for her fat embarrassment of a daughter. I could see that she was disappointed that he was not my date.

-“ Yes, mom, you did.” I excused my self and went to my room.

I lay in bed for two hours hoping that I would sleep but in vain. I kept turning in my bed. What’s really bothering you, Susie? That your mother was right? That a guy like Justin would never think of taking you out unless he did it as a favor or out of pity? You are pathetic! Why should you care about such things! You don’t believe in love! You are wiser than to do any such thing! That is why he is forbidden pleasure! His temporary attention will unbalance you for days. I thought you learned your lesson, Suzie!

I shifted my position. Hoping to escape the gray thoughts. If I had undertaken a forbidden joy, the least I could do is enjoy it! Isn’t the forbidden fruit the sweetest? I wondered if Justin’s girl friend broke up with him because of the girls who hung around him like fly to honey. Or maybe he is between girlfriends. He might be experimenting! Now that is a good thought! I’m sure he never seen any one like me. Surely, he wont let just any one do something as important as name his cat. He must think I’m special!

And so I kept on thinking such things, shutting a way any unpleasant thoughts. Who ever wants to sleep should NEVER think unpleasant thoughts or they’ll keep him awake all night. Usually, I would think of a new story but today I had a new material, a real event! My Almost First Date! After all those years it finally happened! Some one actually asked me out! Well, asked to be with me at the movies, which is out. So, I guess he did ask me out, sort of.

Of course all this sweet talk is something I don’t believe in. he did NOT ask me out, not even SORT OF! He sneaked behind me and saw me crying when I thought no one watched me. He felt guilty and suggested to accompany me. After I found Snow Ball he felt grateful and allowed me to name his brother’s cat. I doubt any boy would allow a girl to name his pet Snow Ball. He would probably call it something like Tiger or Blizzard. All my previous thoughts were just happy bubbles that I swore to my self not to believe. I was compromising to have a forbidden thought to be able to get some rest.

While half conscience, I wondered if I was going to bump up with Justin tomorrow if I happened to come out in the same time he leaves his house. I wondered then if he would bother to greet me or acknowledge my existence. For some reason I could not verify, I hugged my pillow and buried my face in its softness. Breathing in its familiar scent, I relaxed my grip on it and started to softly caress the lifeless thing as if to apologize. Somewhere between my bittersweet thoughts, I fell in deep slumber filled with odd silly dreams that I never remember but feel their effects in the morning.

Sometimes, a silly dream would brighten my day. On the other hand, a nightmare would haunt me for days. Somehow, I respected my dreams for few of them came true in a strange way. And the thought of my nightmares taking place in reality scared me beyond reason but I never told people my nightmares, not even my dearest friends. As if by uttering them they would happen. For tonight, I was falling in the deep dark pit of a bottomless well. The dream began and I suddenly hoped that it would finish soon for I did not like the feeling of it. But do we choose our dreams?

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